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10 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week (#49)

Forget beautiful sunsets or snow on Christmas Day - my favourite sight in the whole world (even more than my kids themselves) is two empty plates at the end of a meal. (What this pic doesn't show is the rest of the food all over the bastard floor...)
1.Toddlers never run out of fresh creative ways to twat their head into stuff.

2.Applying logic to a child is as pointless as applying sun cream to a piece of toast.

3.Using the bathroom in our house feels like that bit at the safari park when the baboons jump all over your car.

4."Don't dip your spoon in someone else's porridge" sounds like a filthy euphemism.

5.Toddler's moods are like the British weather: constantly changing, hard to predict and guaranteed to ruin a picnic.

6.I spend my entire time at soft play areas ensuring my children don't attack other children.

7.Your child doing a nuclear-level shite as you've just handed them over to your partner on your way out the house feels like a lottery win.

8.Tesco pull up nappies are just leaky hot pants. Terrible.

9.If you accidentally kick an open, shitty nappy at the correct angle it glides across the floor like a hockey puck.

10.Fellas: it's not 'babysitting' if it's YOUR kid.

(I'm a stand up comic and dad of twins, click here to like and follow my blog on my FB page.)

Comments

As a mother of a seven-year-old and a two-year-old, all of this is true.
Nothing like toddlers to teach us the limits of our patience! You did a great job.
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