Skip to main content

10 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week (#49)

Forget beautiful sunsets or snow on Christmas Day - my favourite sight in the whole world (even more than my kids themselves) is two empty plates at the end of a meal. (What this pic doesn't show is the rest of the food all over the bastard floor...)
1.Toddlers never run out of fresh creative ways to twat their head into stuff.

2.Applying logic to a child is as pointless as applying sun cream to a piece of toast.

3.Using the bathroom in our house feels like that bit at the safari park when the baboons jump all over your car.

4."Don't dip your spoon in someone else's porridge" sounds like a filthy euphemism.

5.Toddler's moods are like the British weather: constantly changing, hard to predict and guaranteed to ruin a picnic.

6.I spend my entire time at soft play areas ensuring my children don't attack other children.

7.Your child doing a nuclear-level shite as you've just handed them over to your partner on your way out the house feels like a lottery win.

8.Tesco pull up nappies are just leaky hot pants. Terrible.

9.If you accidentally kick an open, shitty nappy at the correct angle it glides across the floor like a hockey puck.

10.Fellas: it's not 'babysitting' if it's YOUR kid.

(I'm a stand up comic and dad of twins, click here to like and follow my blog on my FB page.)
Labels:

Comments

Alicia | Fresh Baby Gear said…
As a mother of a seven-year-old and a two-year-old, all of this is true.
Nothing like toddlers to teach us the limits of our patience! You did a great job.
15 October 2016 at 10:45
Unknown said…
Happy National Handbag Day! We founded this day four years ago to celebrate not just replica handbags bags, but also you, our readers, who visit us every day and make our jobs so fun. We love discussing fashion with you and feel lucky to have built a community full of such knowledgable, dedicated, kind women (and even a few people who aren't women!) over Blog's decade-plus lifespan. You know as well as we do that not everyone gets the whole replica handbag uk thing, though, which is why we thought it'd be a good idea to enumerate some of the reasons we hold them so near and dear to our hearts. Add your own in the comments! Most things in fashion are impractical: ball gowns, sky-high heels, anything trimmed in fur or feathers or intended to be worn to specific types of parties. Bags, on the other hand, combine the luxury of those ideas with the necessity of everyday use and practicality, which makes them a special place where high-end fashion meets real life. Mints, Tums, hair ties (in addition to the one on your wrist), bobby pins, four lipsticks, the nail polish you brought to your most recent pedicure, Band-Aids, a Kind bar, ibuprofen, a Tide pen--the list of what's bopping around in the bottom of your everyday bag is probably endless. A good bag, no matter what it looks like or how much you paid for replica mulberry handbags, is like your own personal pharmacy and tool kit. Forget the Boy Scouts; it's women who are always prepared. If you spent $2,000 on a gorgeous cocktail dress and wore it three days, people would start to worry you were living out of your car in order to buy the occasional designer frock. If you spend the same amount of money on a bag, you can use it literally every day for years, and not only would people not judge you for it, but your great bag would simply become one of your aesthetic signatures. Not all bags are going to stand the test of time when it comes to giving them to your daughters or granddaughters (and not all of them need to!), but classics like the breitling replica, Christian Dior Lady Dior and nearly anything Hermès makes are safe bets to pass on to the next generation. Plus, since they're bags, you don't have to worry about the person you're giving them to being a different size.
17 October 2016 at 07:10
replica horloges said…
Imitatie Horloges! Wilt u online een replica horloges kopen, Bekijk alle bekende horloge merken ophorlogessite.nl. Vandaag besteld, morgen in huis + gratis kadoverpakking!. replica horloges online shop je natuurlijk bij Ajuweliers.
13 April 2017 at 05:55
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Time I Screamed at my Kids

Before my kids arrived I swore I’d never shout at them. But choosing how to approach parenthood before your kids are born is like a caterpillar deciding what kind of butterfly they’re gonna be while they’re still building the cocoon. ‘I’ll still do loads of charity work, of course. And I’ll be REALLY nice to moths too, even though they’ll probably hate me because I’ll be so bloody gorgeous.’ Theory and reality are like sugar and shit. I’ve raised my voice to my kids more times than I can count. Often just to shout ‘STOP SHOUTING!’ which I’m aware doesn’t set a great example. ‘You should NEVER shout at your kids.’ And that’s fine. In theory. Because everything’s fine in theory. The Slimfast diet is a piece of piss until day two when you’ve had three hours sleep and someone offers you a Wagon Wheel. Of course, I never WANT to shout at them. I love them more than words can describe. But those you love are also the ones blessed with the innate ability to boil your piss q
Post a Comment
Read more

We Have a Winner!

Ladies and gentlemen - some news! One recipient of my newsletter is now the 'lucky' (ahem) winner of an exclusive gig from me IN THEIR HOUSE! And that person is... Lyn Morter!  Well done, Lyn! (Btw, if anyone from  Ofcom  is reading, you can check the legitimacy of this result via the  Facebook Live video  I did last week.) When I informed Lyn that she'd won she simply said, 'I've never heard of you' and 'How did you get my phone number?' so I'm sure that will be a great gig for everyone. (Only joking. She was thrilled.) Thanks to all of you for entering. But what now, Sam?  I hear you screaming at your smartphones. Well, I'll be taking things a wee bit easier through August, spending some much needed time with my family after all the touring. But just like that former Governor of California of Austrian descent, I'LL BE BACK (sorry) in September with more blogs, videos and general waffle.  I'm also heading b
Post a Comment
Read more

The Time I Smeared Shit on the Duvet

My wife and I developed our parenting systems through trial and error. One of the earliest rules we’d introduced was that if it was after 5am and one of the babies became unsettled, we wouldn’t waste our time trying to get them back down in their cot - we’d just bring them in with us. After a nice cuddle in our bed, they’d normally settle back down, barring the occasional impromptu fanny gouge or affable bollock kick. (Babies are the most violent sleepers on the planet, easily capable of committing GBH in the middle of reaching for their dummy.) Our twins were six months old. I was fast asleep. At least, the deepest sleep you can get once your kids arrive. My pre-kids sleep used to be the nocturnal equivalent of deep sea diving. Nowadays I’m lucky if I can submerge my toes in a puddle. Early on, my sleep was lighter than a Ryvita biscuit who’d been having it off with a helium canister they’d met on Tinder. Everything woke me up. Some nights I’d just lie there, bewi
Post a Comment
Read more