Sam Avery

MONDAY Played a game where I pretended to be Daddy. Try as I might I couldn’t quite manage to get fat, old and decrepid in the short time we were playing. TUESDAY Asked Daddy to get in the bath with me and then leathered him right in the tezzers. He yelped like a frog who’d just discovered he’d mistakenly booked his anniversary meal at a local French restaurant so I seized the moment and jammed my big toe into his ring piece. He got straight out muttering something to Mummy about needing counselling. WEDNESDAY Potty training begins tomorrow. Consumed several 9000 calorie, high intensity carbo-fibre megaportions in preparation. THURSDAY Mummy asked if I needed a poo. I said no. She asked if I was sure. I said no. She asked if I meant no I didn’t need a poo or no I wasn’t sure. I said no. Just as I was quietly bemoaning her ridiculous line of questioning, I shat myself. She seemed disappointed but I think if she’s really honest with herself, she’ll know it was all her fault. Th...

MONDAY Put a blanket on my head and ran into the wall. Screamed with the sheer bloody unfairness of it all. Standard start to the week. TUESDAY Saw two dogs doing something rather unsavoury to each other outside our house so asked what they were doing and Daddy said they were cuddling but when I pressed him for more details he just blushed and mumbled ‘ask your mother’ as he left the room. WEDNESDAY HATED my swimming lesson. Was crying and flapping my arms at Mummy and Daddy as they watched from the side. They smiled and waved back. Cheers for the support, pricks. Click for tickets THURSDAY I don’t respond well to deadlines. I’m a poet, man. I’m an artist. Don’t restrict me with your grown up fascist bullshit. FRIDAY I don’t care what I’m doing, when that beat drops on ‘Five Little Monkeys’ I’m losing my shit. I hope that tune never hits when I’m a brain surgeon because I’d just fuck the scalpel off mid-slice and start busting some moves. SATURDAY Went swimming ...

*After 18 mins of farcical attempts to make the child taste the cabbage, he finally relents. A smile creeps across his face as he chews* PARENT: See! It's nice isn't it?! 3 Y/O: Yeah! PARENT: Do you want some more? 3 Y/O: No. *ends* Come see me live - 2018/19 UK tour dates

MONDAY Hottest day of the year so Daddy left my rancid nappy in the car all day with the windows closed. Mummy opened the door and had to fight back tears as we were hit with a stench so unspeakably foul that many insurance brokers would have considered the vehicle a complete write-off. Daddy remarked how the car had become ‘a giant Dutch oven’ which has totally put me off visiting the Netherlands. TUESDAY Gonna set up a Trip Advisor site for baby change facilities. Some of those places need a good old fashioned rinsing - primarily with hot water, but also via angry, misspelt online comments. WEDNESDAY I’ve been told to prepare for potty training. They’ve been told to prepare to play fecal hopscotch across the kitchen every morning. THURSDAY Curled one out into the potty and everyone cheered. The big-match atmosphere inspired me to jump up and bend straight over for cleaning but I got my angles wrong like a goalie who’s misjudged a corner and somehow managed to...

MONDAY Had a dream that I ruled the world. Everyone did exactly what I said and I got away with absolute murder. It was just like when the grandparents look after me. TUESDAY When Mummy dresses me I look awesome but when Daddy does it he just grabs whatever’s nearest. The slovenly shite he threw me in this morning was so mismatched and undersized I half expected him to bundle me into a wheelbarrow and start shouting ‘penny-for-the-guy’ at passers-by. WEDNESDAY Got kicked in the face by some bellwhiff on the slide queue. Top lip was caked in black mud. Daddy asked if I was doing Movember. Fuming. THURSDAY If it takes 10,000 hours of training to become an expert, today I became a virtuoso at clothing avoidance. FRIDAY You know what I love doing? Speaking at normal volume across the opposite side of a busy soft play from Mummy and then getting annoyed that she can’t hear me. SATURDAY Finally went on the Gruffalo trail! Was giddy with excitement as we ...

So, this is happening! Be great to meet some of you there. I'm so excited!  Click here for full schedule and to buy tickets.

MONDAY Cried in the night so ended up in the Big People’s bed. It was fun – I clawed at both their faces, head-butted Mummy and kicked Daddy in the tezzers so many times they changed shape. We were all having a great time together so to say I was disappointed when they put me back in my own bed is a massive understatement. TUESDAY Did a sit-down wee on the toilet. Everyone cheered. Felt like Rocky. The pulsating atmosphere in the bathroom inspired me to then push out a Herculean bum nugget as a little encore for the fans but unfortunately, despite my facial gymnastics clearly indicating I was now pressing out a chunky dog log, Daddy must have assumed I was instead trying to solve calculus or maybe complete a formidable algebra equation because the oval-bollocked fuckwitt lifted me off the bog mid-turd. He’ll never wear those slippers again and it’s all his own fault. WEDNESDAY Listen, Mummy - if I say I don’t like something, please accept that. Just because I liked it yester...