1. YOU’RE SURROUNDED BY THE SMELL OF SHIT AND WET WIPES
Whether you’re in front of the Pyramid Stage or making a brew in your kitchen, you’ll be inhaling this depraved cocktail the whole time.
2. YOU INADVERTENTLY SING ALONG TO SOME TERRIBLE MUSIC
From Peppa Pig to The Proclaimers, Tellytubbies to Janet Jackson – it’s all crap. But you will be humming it. All the time. And just because it’s catchy doesn’t mean it’s good. Ebola is catchy.
3. TWO HOURS SLEEP AIN’T BAD
Maybe your bundle of joy decided to wake the entire street with their impromptu Slipknot audition at 3am. Or perhaps the morning sun turned your tent into a sweat-pit after a late night rave around Shangri-La. Either way, sleep is now something you *used* to do.
4. TOILET BREAKS ARE NOT RELAXING
Whether it’s queueing to squat over a rancid portaloo or taking a dump in installments because your kid got stuck between the wall and the sofa, both scenarios make normal toilet trips seem like a spa weekend in comparison.
5. YOU’LL WITNESS THINGS SEEN NOWHERE ELSE
At Glastonbury I once looked on flabbergasted as a twenty stone bollock-naked man who was painted silver waved his willy in my mates face and stole his chips. When my boys were babies I witnessed one of them piss in his own mouth mid-nappy change and somehow enjoy the taste. You just don’t see that kind of thing in Tesco.
(My 2020 Tour 'TODDLERGEDDON' is now onsale here.)