5 REASONS GLASTONBURY & PARENTHOOD ARE THE SAME

1. YOU’RE SURROUNDED BY THE SMELL OF SHIT AND WET WIPES

Whether you’re in front of the Pyramid Stage or making a brew in your kitchen, you’ll be inhaling this depraved cocktail the whole time.

2. YOU INADVERTENTLY SING ALONG TO SOME TERRIBLE MUSIC

From Peppa Pig to The Proclaimers, Tellytubbies to Janet Jackson – it’s all crap. But you will be humming it. All the time. And just because it’s catchy doesn’t mean it’s good. Ebola is catchy.

3. TWO HOURS SLEEP AIN’T BAD

Maybe your bundle of joy decided to wake the entire street with their impromptu Slipknot audition at 3am. Or perhaps the morning sun turned your tent into a sweat-pit after a late night rave around Shangri-La. Either way, sleep is now something you *used* to do.

4. TOILET BREAKS ARE NOT RELAXING

Whether it’s queueing to squat over a rancid portaloo or taking a dump in installments because your kid got stuck between the wall and the sofa, both scenarios make normal toilet trips seem like a spa weekend in comparison.

5. YOU’LL WITNESS THINGS SEEN NOWHERE ELSE

At Glastonbury I once looked on flabbergasted as a twenty stone bollock-naked man who was painted silver waved his willy in my mates face and stole his chips. When my boys were babies I witnessed one of them piss in his own mouth mid-nappy change and somehow enjoy the taste. You just don’t see that kind of thing in Tesco.

(My 2020 Tour 'TODDLERGEDDON' is now onsale here.)

Comments

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Ladies and gentlemen - some news! One recipient of my newsletter is now the 'lucky' (ahem) winner of an exclusive gig from me IN THEIR HOUSE! And that person is... Lyn Morter! Well done, Lyn! (Btw, if anyone from Ofcom is reading, you can check the legitimacy of this result via the Facebook Live video I did last week.) When I informed Lyn that she'd won she simply said, 'I've never heard of you' and 'How did you get my phone number?' so I'm sure that will be a great gig for everyone. (Only joking. She was thrilled.) Thanks to all of you for entering. But what now, Sam? I hear you screaming at your smartphones. Well, I'll be taking things a wee bit easier through August, spending some much needed time with my family after all the touring. But just like that former Governor of California of Austrian descent, I'LL BE BACK (sorry) in September with more blogs, videos and general waffle. I'm also heading b

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My wife and I developed our parenting systems through trial and error. One of the earliest rules we’d introduced was that if it was after 5am and one of the babies became unsettled, we wouldn’t waste our time trying to get them back down in their cot - we’d just bring them in with us. After a nice cuddle in our bed, they’d normally settle back down, barring the occasional impromptu fanny gouge or affable bollock kick. (Babies are the most violent sleepers on the planet, easily capable of committing GBH in the middle of reaching for their dummy.) Our twins were six months old. I was fast asleep. At least, the deepest sleep you can get once your kids arrive. My pre-kids sleep used to be the nocturnal equivalent of deep sea diving. Nowadays I’m lucky if I can submerge my toes in a puddle. Early on, my sleep was lighter than a Ryvita biscuit who’d been having it off with a helium canister they’d met on Tinder. Everything woke me up. Some nights I’d just lie there, bewi

Sam Avery

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