Sam Avery

1.My bum crack makes so many unwanted appearances at the soft play centre I'm surprised it hasn't got it's own membership card. 2.How can a sweet, beautiful baby honk like a Megabus shitter? 3.Shouting "I'VE GOT A RED NEE-NAW!" as an adult sounds like you're admitting to an STD. 4.A toddler has no respect for a hangover. 5.My standards continue to nosedive. I asked my wife is there was 'much' poo on the bedsheet. (Note to self: ANY amount is WAY too much.) 6.Toy negotiations in our house are more complex than the Middle East peace process. 7.Telling your lad that 'big boys wear vests' sounds like a Judas Priest b-side. 8.I asked one twin to share his Shreddies with his brother. You'd think I'd asked him to hack his own arm off. 9.Trying to dress little people as they whizz through your legs on a bike makes you feel like you've joined the fucking circus. 10.I know it's only an advert b...

MONDAY Went to feed the ducks this morning. Had a mouthful of seeds when no-one was looking but they were proper minging. Tried to spit them out but they all got stuck to my mouth so started crying which made them stick to my face. Thankfully, managed to get back in the game with a couple of wet-wipes and a quick cuddle. Anyway, the ducks were all dead sound and happy to wait for the next handful but then this big mad goose came over and jumped the queue, flapping it’s wings and shouting like Rambo and I wasn’t bothered till it hissed right in Daddy’s face and then he picked me up and we started running and this goose was chasing us and then another one joined in and now there’s six of the mad fuckers chasing us across the mud and Daddy slipped in dog shit and his sandwich fell out of his bag so the geese all stopped and started fighting over it. I think Daddy was crying. He must have really wanted that sandwich. TUESDAY Had beans on toast for tea. Wasn’t in the mood so star...

MONDAY Went to soft play centre this morning and couldn’t wait to get on the slide. Was so excited to slide down in my super slidey pants and super slidey socks and I was flying down the slide and got a bit too excited and turned round halfway down and CUT MY FUCKING HEAD! How can you call it a ‘Soft Play’ when there’s hard bits all over the place? Cried so much I couldn’t breathe for a while. Got given a lollipop so stopped crying and started breathing. Tried to go back on the slide but wasn’t allowed with my lollipop. Finished lollipop quickly but STILL wasn’t allowed back on. Gutted because I’d wolfed down my lollipop and had my super slidey pants on. Started crying again. Wanted another lollipop but got offered fruit. FUCKING FRUIT! WITH A HEAD INJURY! Do me a favour. If I’m bleeding, I want sugar. Simple as. Cried all the way home in my super slidey pants. TUESDAY Another stand-off at lunchtime today. What can I say? Some days I like chicken, some days I don’t. Some d...

1.Which knobhead decided "taking candy from a baby" was easy? I tried to retrieve my own biscuit from a 2 year old and got a thick lip. 2.I view older kids in the wrong section of soft play centres on a par with war criminals. 3.I reckon when Shane from Westlife sings 'Wheels on the Bus' to his kids he stands up and changes key halfway through. 4.Forget baby wipes, some nappy changes need a Priest. 5.If you sing 'You Can't Always Get What You Want' to a screaming toddler, in just the right key, it has absolutely zero effect. 6.You know you're a modern parent when your kids falls over and you upload a pic to Instagram before picking them 7.I save the undies 'least likely to show the top of my arsecrack' for days at the play centre. 8.You can be so exhausted that you apologise to the dishwasher when you accidentally open it before it's finished. 9.If you spend shitloads of money taking your kids to an expe...

*SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT KLAXON!* I set up my social media pages years ago, waaaay before my kids were even a glint in my eye. They were set up initally to post stuff about what gigs I was doing, links to Edinburgh Festival dates and short video clips of my stand up. As a jobbing comic, I thought it would be useful for promoters I didn’t currently work for to see what I was up to and if I was any good, it might lead to more work. I barely posted anything. Then my kids were born and I started the blog. At first I just posted that on my personal Facebook profile but a few months in I wondered if some people on my friends list were maybe getting a bit sick of scrolling through two solid months of posts about not-so-solid nappies. That’s when I started posting my blog on my other accounts and in a quite startling development, the audience started to grow, especially on Facebook where there are now over 61k likes on the page. Fast forward to now and I’ve posted nothing but my bl...