10 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week

1.My bum crack makes so many unwanted appearances at the soft play centre I'm surprised it hasn't got it's own membership card.

2.How can a sweet, beautiful baby honk like a Megabus shitter?

3.Shouting "I'VE GOT A RED NEE-NAW!" as an adult sounds like you're admitting to an STD.

4.A toddler has no respect for a hangover.

5.My standards continue to nosedive. I asked my wife is there was 'much' poo on the bedsheet. (Note to self: ANY amount is WAY too much.)

6.Toy negotiations in our house are more complex than the Middle East peace process.

7.Telling your lad that 'big boys wear vests' sounds like a Judas Priest b-side.

8.I asked one twin to share his Shreddies with his brother. You'd think I'd asked him to hack his own arm off.

9.Trying to dress little people as they whizz through your legs on a bike makes you feel like you've joined the fucking circus.

10.I know it's only an advert but that Pampers one for premature nappies gets me every time 😢

(I post my parent blog to my FB page a few times a week...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...you can also find me on Instagram)

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The Time I Screamed at my Kids

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Ladies and gentlemen - some news! One recipient of my newsletter is now the 'lucky' (ahem) winner of an exclusive gig from me IN THEIR HOUSE! And that person is... Lyn Morter! Well done, Lyn! (Btw, if anyone from Ofcom is reading, you can check the legitimacy of this result via the Facebook Live video I did last week.) When I informed Lyn that she'd won she simply said, 'I've never heard of you' and 'How did you get my phone number?' so I'm sure that will be a great gig for everyone. (Only joking. She was thrilled.) Thanks to all of you for entering. But what now, Sam? I hear you screaming at your smartphones. Well, I'll be taking things a wee bit easier through August, spending some much needed time with my family after all the touring. But just like that former Governor of California of Austrian descent, I'LL BE BACK (sorry) in September with more blogs, videos and general waffle. I'm also heading b

The Time I Smeared Shit on the Duvet

My wife and I developed our parenting systems through trial and error. One of the earliest rules we’d introduced was that if it was after 5am and one of the babies became unsettled, we wouldn’t waste our time trying to get them back down in their cot - we’d just bring them in with us. After a nice cuddle in our bed, they’d normally settle back down, barring the occasional impromptu fanny gouge or affable bollock kick. (Babies are the most violent sleepers on the planet, easily capable of committing GBH in the middle of reaching for their dummy.) Our twins were six months old. I was fast asleep. At least, the deepest sleep you can get once your kids arrive. My pre-kids sleep used to be the nocturnal equivalent of deep sea diving. Nowadays I’m lucky if I can submerge my toes in a puddle. Early on, my sleep was lighter than a Ryvita biscuit who’d been having it off with a helium canister they’d met on Tinder. Everything woke me up. Some nights I’d just lie there, bewi

Sam Avery

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