1.My bum crack makes so many unwanted appearances at the soft play centre I'm surprised it hasn't got it's own membership card.
2.How can a sweet, beautiful baby honk like a Megabus shitter?
3.Shouting "I'VE GOT A RED NEE-NAW!" as an adult sounds like you're admitting to an STD.
4.A toddler has no respect for a hangover.
5.My standards continue to nosedive. I asked my wife is there was 'much' poo on the bedsheet. (Note to self: ANY amount is WAY too much.)
6.Toy negotiations in our house are more complex than the Middle East peace process.
7.Telling your lad that 'big boys wear vests' sounds like a Judas Priest b-side.
8.I asked one twin to share his Shreddies with his brother. You'd think I'd asked him to hack his own arm off.
9.Trying to dress little people as they whizz through your legs on a bike makes you feel like you've joined the fucking circus.
10.I know it's only an advert but that Pampers one for premature nappies gets me every time 😢
(I post my parent blog to my FB page a few times a week...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...you can also find me on Instagram)