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The Secret Diary of a 21 Month Old (Part 30)

MONDAY
Did an epic bumsquirt just as we were leaving for Grandma’s. Proper end-of-days stuff. Arse-juice everywhere. Big People got flustered because we were late. What can I say? There’s just something about putting my coat on that makes me want to shite.

TUESDAY
Got told off today for drawing a beard on the dog. What’s the problem? The dog looked great and didn’t complain once. Plus it was my best felt tip (orange) so it’s quite an assumption from the Big People to say he hated his new look. The combination of being told off plus feeling terrible for the dog missing out on a much-needed fresh image made me do a proper cry. (That one where your face scrunches up and real tears come out rather than the one where you scream and your face turns red like it has nappy rash.) Anyway, I must have looked super cute because the Big People cuddled me straight away and then weirdly, THEY apologized. Interesting, very interesting…

WEDNESDAY
Got told off again for biting Mummy. Tried to fake that real crying thing again but they saw right through it and called bullshit. I stopped 'crying' and carried on with my day. Next time I really need to commit. Or maybe I should just stop biting people?

THURSDAY
Discovered if you bash a dummy against the side of your cot for long enough the Big People show up. Handy to know if there's an emergency.

FRIDAY
Saw loads of buses in the car today. Got well excited. They’re so big and funny looking. Then we didn’t see any for ages which made me sad. Then we saw three of them all at once! Weird thing is, this always happens. When I grow up I’m going to come up with an expression to describe this regular occurrence.

SATURDAY
That music on the baby monitor is total bollocks. There’s no beat. Give me something I can move to.

SUNDAY
It’s becoming increasingly clear to me that I don’t deal with disappointment well. They wouldn’t let me play with the scissors this morning and I just lost it. Thrashing about, sobbing, whacking my head on the corner of the fridge for good measure. Could barely see through all the snot, tears and emotion. Then they tried putting my coat on and I moved effortlessly up to the next level of tantrum which was quite the thrill if I'm being honest. Cried so hard I totally forgot what I was pissed off about in the first place and let them put my coat on quite easily. Managed to calm down and then realised I had the bloody coat on which made me instantly do a poo that went on for ages. Managed to stare both of them in the eye while I squeezed it out too. It's important to share special moments with your family I think.

(I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins and you can find more blogs on my website...)

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