Sam Avery

We went to the soft play last week. It was meant to be fun. It was more like the Dunkirk landings. The day went south as we entered the car park. There was a massive queue outside. So we joined it. And stood in the rain. Just to get inside this spongy, bottomless pit of bastards. My first instinct was to turn myself and the boys around, hoping they wouldn’t notice that we’d driven all the way to the soft play, parked at the soft play and were now waiting outside the soft play. But it would’ve been easier to talk down a pair of rabid Doberman who’ve not eaten in two days and have spotted the postman’s arse through the letterbox. ‘Shall we go somewhere else boys?’ My withdrawal attempt wasn’t just optimistic. It was moronic and has since been filed under: ’Parenting Errors of Extreme Fuckwittery.’ (Other notable entries include: turning the TV off without prior warning and offering beverages from incorrectly coloured beakers.) I scrapped my extra...

Ladies and gentlemen - some news! One recipient of my newsletter is now the 'lucky' (ahem) winner of an exclusive gig from me IN THEIR HOUSE! And that person is... Lyn Morter!  Well done, Lyn! (Btw, if anyone from  Ofcom  is reading, you can check the legitimacy of this result via the  Facebook Live video  I did last week.) When I informed Lyn that she'd won she simply said, 'I've never heard of you' and 'How did you get my phone number?' so I'm sure that will be a great gig for everyone. (Only joking. She was thrilled.) Thanks to all of you for entering. But what now, Sam?  I hear you screaming at your smartphones. Well, I'll be taking things a wee bit easier through August, spending some much needed time with my family after all the touring. But just like that former Governor of California of Austrian descent, I'LL BE BACK (sorry) in September with more blogs, videos and general waf...

MONDAY My new hobby is shouting ‘WATCH ME!’ and then doing something inexplicable shit. Today I stood with my legs slightly apart and waved my hands. And the big people PRAISED me! Dickheads. TUESDAY Started calling sliced kiwi fruits ‘hairy burgers’ in the shop. Mummy said I should call them something different. I asked her why she was laughing. She said she’d just remembered something funny from years ago. Strange woman. WEDNESDAY Daddy reckons I need to be wiping my own shitter before I start school in September. Ha! Alright mate. Whatevs. THURSDAY Was drinking from Daddy’s water bottle with my crisps. Left so many salt and vinegar floaties in the water his bottle looked like a cheap lava lamp. Daddy said I could have the rest. Result! FRIDAY Caught Daddy sliding a piece of cheese into his mouth with his head in the fridge. I shouted ‘CHEESE! CHEESE!’ continuously to let him know he’d been spotted and that if he didn’t want this intel to go global then he needed ...

1. YOU’RE SURROUNDED BY THE SMELL OF SHIT AND WET WIPES Whether you’re in front of the Pyramid Stage or making a brew in your kitchen, you’ll be inhaling this depraved cocktail the whole time. 2. YOU INADVERTENTLY SING ALONG TO SOME TERRIBLE MUSIC From Peppa Pig to The Proclaimers, Tellytubbies to Janet Jackson – it’s all crap. But you will be humming it. All the time. And just because it’s catchy doesn’t mean it’s good. Ebola is catchy. 3. TWO HOURS SLEEP AIN’T BAD Maybe your bundle of joy decided to wake the entire street with their impromptu Slipknot audition at 3am. Or perhaps the morning sun turned your tent into a sweat-pit after a late night rave around Shangri-La. Either way, sleep is now something you *used* to do. 4. TOILET BREAKS ARE NOT RELAXING Whether it’s queueing to squat over a rancid portaloo or taking a dump in installments because your kid got stuck between the wall and the sofa, both scenarios make normal toilet trips seem like ...

1. WILL THE TWINS BE YOUR SUPPORT ACT? No chance. They’re way funnier than me. I’ll look crap in comparison. 2. CAN I BRING MY TODDLER WITH ME? Yes but you’ll have to leave them in the cloakroom. 3. WHICH GIG ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO THE MOST? Whichever town you live in. That one. Honest.  😉 4. WHAT’S THE SHOW ABOUT? It’s a stand up comedy show about being a hapless, learner parent to toddlers in 2018. 5. HOW LONG IS THE SHOW? 2 x 45 minute halves. No support act. Just me, baby. 6. I’VE READ YOUR BOOK - WILL IT JUST BE STUFF FROM THAT? Not at all. This is a brand new, never-before seen show that pretty much picks up where the book left off. 7. WHY AREN’T YOU COMING TO *INSERT TOWN NAME HERE*? I would have loved to come to more places but scheduling and venue availability didn’t permit it, sorry  😔 8. MY HUSBAND / WIFE / BOYFRIEND / PARTNER HAS NEVER HEARD OF YOU. SHALL I BRING THEM ALONG TOO? Yes because I’ll win them over with my cheeky northern charm....

MONDAY Daddy looked at my drawing today and said, ‘Nice house!’ It was a fucking car, the philistine tit. TUESDAY Mummy CONSTANTLY asks me to refrain from twanging my trouser snake but as someone who doesn’t own any actual real estate in the schlong department I’m not sure she entirely grasps just what delightful fun it is. I reckon Daddy knows. WEDNESDAY How come a stand up piss at home gets a round of applause but a stand up dump incites a riot in Sainsbury’s? THURSDAY Saw some toddler wearing a Nirvana shirt. Asked him what his favourite song was. He said ‘Wheels on the Bus.’ Gonna assume he didn’t dress himself. FRIDAY Went full beelzebastard at breakfast. Mummy looked broken and Daddy was apologising profusely for having to go to work but I defo saw him punching the air and mouthing ‘yes!’ as he danced his way to the car for a nice relaxing day at the office. SATURDAY Was zooming all over the place on my balance bike and laughed so hard down the hill that I...