10 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week

1.Which knobhead decided "taking candy from a baby" was easy? I tried to retrieve my own biscuit from a 2 year old and got a thick lip.

2.I view older kids in the wrong section of soft play centres on a par with war criminals.

3.I reckon when Shane from Westlife sings 'Wheels on the Bus' to his kids he stands up and changes key halfway through.

4.Forget baby wipes, some nappy changes need a Priest.

5.If you sing 'You Can't Always Get What You Want' to a screaming toddler, in just the right key, it has absolutely zero effect.

6.You know you're a modern parent when your kids falls over and you upload a pic to Instagram before picking them

7.I save the undies 'least likely to show the top of my arsecrack' for days at the play centre.

8.You can be so exhausted that you apologise to the dishwasher when you accidentally open it before it's finished.

9.If you spend shitloads of money taking your kids to an expensive zoo, their favourite animal will be a frigging duck.

10.There are two types of parents at the park:

- Those who push the roundabout

- Knobheads

I post my parent blog to my FB page a few times a week...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...I'm also on Instagram

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9 May 2017 at 10:55

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Before my kids arrived I swore I’d never shout at them. But choosing how to approach parenthood before your kids are born is like a caterpillar deciding what kind of butterfly they’re gonna be while they’re still building the cocoon. ‘I’ll still do loads of charity work, of course. And I’ll be REALLY nice to moths too, even though they’ll probably hate me because I’ll be so bloody gorgeous.’ Theory and reality are like sugar and shit. I’ve raised my voice to my kids more times than I can count. Often just to shout ‘STOP SHOUTING!’ which I’m aware doesn’t set a great example. ‘You should NEVER shout at your kids.’ And that’s fine. In theory. Because everything’s fine in theory. The Slimfast diet is a piece of piss until day two when you’ve had three hours sleep and someone offers you a Wagon Wheel. Of course, I never WANT to shout at them. I love them more than words can describe. But those you love are also the ones blessed with the innate ability to boil your piss q

We Have a Winner!

Ladies and gentlemen - some news! One recipient of my newsletter is now the 'lucky' (ahem) winner of an exclusive gig from me IN THEIR HOUSE! And that person is... Lyn Morter! Well done, Lyn! (Btw, if anyone from Ofcom is reading, you can check the legitimacy of this result via the Facebook Live video I did last week.) When I informed Lyn that she'd won she simply said, 'I've never heard of you' and 'How did you get my phone number?' so I'm sure that will be a great gig for everyone. (Only joking. She was thrilled.) Thanks to all of you for entering. But what now, Sam? I hear you screaming at your smartphones. Well, I'll be taking things a wee bit easier through August, spending some much needed time with my family after all the touring. But just like that former Governor of California of Austrian descent, I'LL BE BACK (sorry) in September with more blogs, videos and general waffle. I'm also heading b

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My wife and I developed our parenting systems through trial and error. One of the earliest rules we’d introduced was that if it was after 5am and one of the babies became unsettled, we wouldn’t waste our time trying to get them back down in their cot - we’d just bring them in with us. After a nice cuddle in our bed, they’d normally settle back down, barring the occasional impromptu fanny gouge or affable bollock kick. (Babies are the most violent sleepers on the planet, easily capable of committing GBH in the middle of reaching for their dummy.) Our twins were six months old. I was fast asleep. At least, the deepest sleep you can get once your kids arrive. My pre-kids sleep used to be the nocturnal equivalent of deep sea diving. Nowadays I’m lucky if I can submerge my toes in a puddle. Early on, my sleep was lighter than a Ryvita biscuit who’d been having it off with a helium canister they’d met on Tinder. Everything woke me up. Some nights I’d just lie there, bewi

Sam Avery

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