10 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week

1.Which knobhead decided "taking candy from a baby" was easy? I tried to retrieve my own biscuit from a 2 year old and got a thick lip.

2.I view older kids in the wrong section of soft play centres on a par with war criminals.

3.I reckon when Shane from Westlife sings 'Wheels on the Bus' to his kids he stands up and changes key halfway through.

4.Forget baby wipes, some nappy changes need a Priest.

5.If you sing 'You Can't Always Get What You Want' to a screaming toddler, in just the right key, it has absolutely zero effect.

6.You know you're a modern parent when your kids falls over and you upload a pic to Instagram before picking them

7.I save the undies 'least likely to show the top of my arsecrack' for days at the play centre.

8.You can be so exhausted that you apologise to the dishwasher when you accidentally open it before it's finished.

9.If you spend shitloads of money taking your kids to an expensive zoo, their favourite animal will be a frigging duck.

10.There are two types of parents at the park:

- Those who push the roundabout

- Knobheads

I post my parent blog to my FB page a few times a week...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...I'm also on Instagram

Comments

Benny said…

All of us do all of the difficult meet your needs as well as in rolex replica sale both of these incredible manufacturers with this comprehensive, hands-on assessment overview of the actual rolex replica uk "No Date" and also the Tudor History Dark These types of Dark Research 79220N Replica Rolex UK. All of us may certainly try to appear at the significant specs as well as functions, essentially each and every rolex replica uk you need to consider prior to creating the mind to visit along with rolex replica uk one of these simple items. Both tend to be truly incredible and therefore greatly well-liked rolex replica sale nevertheless, even though these people perform appear instead comparable in the beginning, underneath the area these people are much more diverse from a person actually thought. We ought to point out correct at the start which from replica watches uk released a good up-to-date edition from the Tudor History Dark These types of selection, including a good in-house motion into it. Which view, nevertheless, won't be obtainable till later on to the 12 months and it is or else very much like what we should possess right here.

9 May 2017 at 10:55

The Time I Smeared Shit on the Duvet

My wife and I developed our parenting systems through trial and error. One of the earliest rules we’d introduced was that if it was after 5am and one of the babies became unsettled, we wouldn’t waste our time trying to get them back down in their cot - we’d just bring them in with us. After a nice cuddle in our bed, they’d normally settle back down, barring the occasional impromptu fanny gouge or affable bollock kick. (Babies are the most violent sleepers on the planet, easily capable of committing GBH in the middle of reaching for their dummy.) Our twins were six months old. I was fast asleep. At least, the deepest sleep you can get once your kids arrive. My pre-kids sleep used to be the nocturnal equivalent of deep sea diving. Nowadays I’m lucky if I can submerge my toes in a puddle. Early on, my sleep was lighter than a Ryvita biscuit who’d been having it off with a helium canister they’d met on Tinder. Everything woke me up. Some nights I’d just lie there, bewi...

The Time I Got Sent to the Naughty Step

The naughty step is only as powerful as the child allows it to be. I once sent my son there and 20 seconds later he came racing through the living room on his fucking bike. I briefly tried to return him to his pleasantly carpeted penitentiary but I was far too busy giggling. On another occasion, my lad wouldn’t go to bed and instead plonked himself down on the bottom of the stairs in defiance. I started to threaten him with a trip to the dreaded step of naughtiness. ‘IF YOU DON’T GET TO BED RIGHT NOW, I’ll, erm….’ I tailed off as I realised he was already sitting on the effing naughty step and my threat now made less sense than Welsh hip-hop. I could see on his little face, he’d worked this out too. He threw me a smirk that said, ‘You’ll do what, knobhead?’ I felt it crucial not to back down. So I continued: ‘I’LL PUT YOU ON THE NAUGHTY STEP, YOUNG MAN!’ ‘But I’m already on it!’ he snorted. My brain turned to scrambled egg. ‘WELL THEN!’ I had nothing. Bu...

The Time I Screamed at my Kids

Before my kids arrived I swore I’d never shout at them. But choosing how to approach parenthood before your kids are born is like a caterpillar deciding what kind of butterfly they’re gonna be while they’re still building the cocoon. ‘I’ll still do loads of charity work, of course. And I’ll be REALLY nice to moths too, even though they’ll probably hate me because I’ll be so bloody gorgeous.’ Theory and reality are like sugar and shit. I’ve raised my voice to my kids more times than I can count. Often just to shout ‘STOP SHOUTING!’ which I’m aware doesn’t set a great example. ‘You should NEVER shout at your kids.’ And that’s fine. In theory. Because everything’s fine in theory. The Slimfast diet is a piece of piss until day two when you’ve had three hours sleep and someone offers you a Wagon Wheel. Of course, I never WANT to shout at them. I love them more than words can describe. But those you love are also the ones blessed with the innate ability to boil your piss q...

Sam Avery

Search This Blog