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The Secret Diary of a 22 Month Old (Part 32)

MONDAY
Went to the zoo today. All the animals looked pretty pissed off apart from this one pigeon we saw in the car park, although to be fair I think she comes and goes when she wants. Best bit was when the gorilla did a massive dump in his hand and threw it at everyone. Big People freaked out. I made a mental note for next time they put me in the play pen.

TUESDAY
I’m sick of everyone assuming that just because someone is a similar age to me that we’ll instantly be best mates. Sometimes we have literally nothing in common. What are we supposed to bond over? The fact we can’t control our bowel movements? Maybe we’ll hit it off with a thrilling conversation about which fashionable brand of nappies we’re sporting this season or better still, exchange dietary tips? Do me a favour.

WEDNESDAY
Can't be sure but think one of the Big People did a trump today and blamed it on me. I know I'm quite new here but that doesn't seem fair. Gonna fill my nappy tomorrow and blame them.

THURSDAY
Got some new books but for me, there’s nothing more relaxing than sitting down with a book I’m really familiar with. I must have read that one about the farm a million times and despite the fact there’s no real story, character development or a satisfying conclusion, it really moves me. Plus it’s fun to hear the Big People try to inject some false enthusiasm into their voice when I demand we read it again.

FRIDAY
Getting sick of complete strangers squeezing my cheeks. Here’s an idea – if I don’t know you, don’t touch my face. How does that sound?

SATURDAY
Learned a new noise today. Cross between a cough and a scream. Did it all day. Forgot to nap. Big People weren’t impressed. Made the noise at them. They seemed even less impressed.

SUNDAY
Cried in the night so ended up in the Big People’s bed. It was so much fun – I clawed at both their faces, head-butted Mummy twice and kicked Daddy square in the bollocks. We were all having a great time together so to say I was disappointed when they put me back in my own cot is a massive understatement.

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