Skip to main content

The Secret Diary of a 22 Month Old (Part 31)

MONDAY
Was super excited to get in the car to go to the park. I love the park. It’s probably my favourite place in the world after the cupboard in the kitchen where they keep the pans. Was so giddy when they tried to put my coat on. Couldn’t stop running up and down the house getting ready for the park. Giggled like mad when they put my shoes on just thinking about all the great things we were going to do at the park.

Was busy planning what I was going to do at the park and in what order when I noticed that we swung a left at the main road meaning WE WEREN’T GOING TO THE PARK, WE WERE GOING TO THE FUCKING SUPERMARKET! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! Decided I had to make a stand so kicked my legs for ages (bicycle motion first, then freestyle) so they couldn’t get me in the trolley seat. Then when they finally did I spent the whole time round grabbing random stuff and putting it in the trolley. Despite the fact they saw this act of defiance as “cute”, they ended up accidentally paying for a lettuce that they didn’t even want. So who’s laughing now, Big People?

TUESDAY
Saw Nanna today. It’s amazing to think she lives inside that iPad.

WEDNESDAY
Was singing as I went to bed tonight. Heard my own voice coming back from the speaker on the baby monitor. Is that how I sound to everyone else? Jesus.

THURSDAY
Actually went to the park today. Managed to keep a lid on things in the car in case it was all just a ruse to return the lettuce to the supermarket. Proper lost my mind as we pulled up. Ran down to the roundabout a bit too fast, instantly slipped and twatted my head on the metal bar. Unfortunately that set the tone for what was ultimately a disappointing day out – I got a wet arse from the slide, there was a big queue for the swings and I slipped on dog shit near that rusty little spinny thing that nobody uses.

FRIDAY
Started dancing in the living room today when the phone rang. All the Big People joined in. It was quite the scene for a moment but then I got quite angry. Just let me have my moment.

SATURDAY
Had one of my toys confiscated because I was using it to drink bath water. If the food was half decent round here I wouldn’t be reduced to such drastic measures.

SUNDAY
Woke up crying because I’d leaked. Big Person tried to comfort me. Didn’t work because I’d leaked. Big Person put the pretty lights on. Didn’t work because I’d leaked. Big Person sang lullabies. Didn’t work because I’d leaked. Leak reached their hand. Big Person changed me. Went back to sleep. Big Person is stupid.

I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...

Comments

Unknown said…
Genuinely snorted my tea at the head / bar incident. Brilliant!
Unknown said…
Genuinely snorted my tea at the head / bar incident. Brilliant!
Unknown said…
I have something to share with you!!! There is a great joy in my heart
which I want to share with everyone. My name is Caroline Webb from United
States. I had a misunderstanding with my lover last year which led us to
break up and he never wanted to hear my voice again. He saw a beautiful
woman which he find more prettier than me, but as time went on I met god Dr lucky He is a great spell caster. I contacted him through his email and
explained everything to him. He said that I shouldn't worry, that my lover
will come back to me on his knees begging for forgiveness before 24
hours.My greatest joy now is that he actually came back to me and fell on
his knees begging for forgiveness, and today we are happy and he also cured
my Sister's breast cancer. Do you have any problem? worry no more because
Dr lucky can provide lasting spell solution to any problems:email him Dr luckysolutiontemple@gmail.com or call him +23480139792383 or add him on whats- app +23480139792383

If you want your ex back.

You want to be promoted in your office.

If you want to be cured of HIV, Cancers and other diseases.

You want to be rich.

You want your husband/wife to be yours forever.

If you need financial assistance.

Popular posts from this blog

10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#29)

1.I cannot believe I EVER complained about being tired pre-kids. 2.That moment when you think there's something seriously wrong with your baby but quickly realise they're just having a massive shite. Ridiculous. 3.The key to cleaning Weetabix off the floor is not to leave it for 10 days. 4.I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact my next lie in will be in 2026. 5.I can recite all the words to The Furchester Hotel yet struggle remembering my own PIN number. 6.They should make talking baby toys swear. Just once or twice a year to keep us interested. 7.I could pick out the noise of a dummy hitting the floor in the middle of an earthquake. 8.Putting shoes on a baby will make you twice as late. 9.I could shave a chimp with ADHD quicker than I can dress my son. 10.Only if they ever make me a grandad will my boys truly understand how much I love them. I'm a finalist in the MAD Blog Awards 2016 and you can vote for me in both '

The Time I Screamed at my Kids

Before my kids arrived I swore I’d never shout at them. But choosing how to approach parenthood before your kids are born is like a caterpillar deciding what kind of butterfly they’re gonna be while they’re still building the cocoon. ‘I’ll still do loads of charity work, of course. And I’ll be REALLY nice to moths too, even though they’ll probably hate me because I’ll be so bloody gorgeous.’ Theory and reality are like sugar and shit. I’ve raised my voice to my kids more times than I can count. Often just to shout ‘STOP SHOUTING!’ which I’m aware doesn’t set a great example. ‘You should NEVER shout at your kids.’ And that’s fine. In theory. Because everything’s fine in theory. The Slimfast diet is a piece of piss until day two when you’ve had three hours sleep and someone offers you a Wagon Wheel. Of course, I never WANT to shout at them. I love them more than words can describe. But those you love are also the ones blessed with the innate ability to boil your piss q

The Time I Got Sent to the Naughty Step

The naughty step is only as powerful as the child allows it to be. I once sent my son there and 20 seconds later he came racing through the living room on his fucking bike. I briefly tried to return him to his pleasantly carpeted penitentiary but I was far too busy giggling. On another occasion, my lad wouldn’t go to bed and instead plonked himself down on the bottom of the stairs in defiance. I started to threaten him with a trip to the dreaded step of naughtiness. ‘IF YOU DON’T GET TO BED RIGHT NOW, I’ll, erm….’ I tailed off as I realised he was already sitting on the effing naughty step and my threat now made less sense than Welsh hip-hop. I could see on his little face, he’d worked this out too. He threw me a smirk that said, ‘You’ll do what, knobhead?’ I felt it crucial not to back down. So I continued: ‘I’LL PUT YOU ON THE NAUGHTY STEP, YOUNG MAN!’ ‘But I’m already on it!’ he snorted. My brain turned to scrambled egg. ‘WELL THEN!’ I had nothing. Bu