1.I've got to remember to lick my fingers to open the nappy bag *before* I change the rancid nappy.
2.To all the people who've done naff all to help while I've struggled through a tricky doorway with a double buggy - I hope you get piles.
3.The Cookie Monster needs to be tested for Type 2 diabetes.
4.Netflix should launch a service for babies and just show washing machines, leaves blowing about and adults sneezing.
5.Changing the height of a cot on your own takes fucking ages.
6.A baby has the ability to be more uncooperative than a 3 wheeled trolley on a cobbled street.
7.This time last year one of the twins had a serious operation. Today I put a coat on him. The coat made him cry more.
8.I need a wardrobe safe from the kids filthy hands and dribble. Somewhere locked away in the corner of the loft, surrounded by water. I'll put my clean sock there.
9.Step 8 of any flat-pack furniture instructions tends to be 'discuss possible divorce with partner.'
10.Every time the boys move a nappy size up I can feel time slipping through my fingers like sand.
I'm a finalist in the MAD Blog Awards 2016 and you can vote for me in both 'Best New Blog' and 'Best Baby Blog' categories - if you have 30 seconds to spare click here and I'll be your best mate for life.