Skip to main content

10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week #3

(Read #2 here)

1.I'd rather do my tax return on a roller coaster than look after twins with a hangover.

2.‘The Wheels on the Bus’ is a truly terrible song. They probably use it in Guantanamo Bay.

3.No matter how long you wait, the bathroom doesn't start to self-clean itself like white people with dreadlocks tell you their hair does.

4.A baby's neck-folds is a legitimate place to check for lost property.

5.My comment two weeks ago about being a fan of solid food poos was hopelessly premature. They are rank.

6.A 6 month old can kick you hard enough in the knackers to doubt you’ll ever give them more siblings.

7.Whoever designed babies is a dick. "I know! When they need to sleep really badly I'll programme them to get incredibly angry so that sleep is impossible!”

8.The 'Calpol Spritzer' that the wife joked about sounds pretty tempting.

9.I love my kids more than anything in the world.

10. I’d love them a little bit more if they'd stop shitting in the bath.

(Read #4 here)

I'm a stand up comic and new dad to twins. You can click here to follow me on Facebook where I post all my blogs, memes and other blatherings about parenthood. (Or go to the top right of this page) 
Labels:

Comments

Anonymous said…

Fay Dayjust RolexExplorer II - One of the a lot of iconic replica watches, the Explorer II is annihilation abbreviate of remarkable. The spirit of this beauteous alarm is embodied altogether aural our replica Explorer II with beauteous detail and authenticity.
replica watch Submariner ReplicaLadies Submariner Watch - The fabulously acclaimed men's Submariner watch is assuredly accessible as a beauteous ladies' timepiece. At last, all the affluence of one of Rolex's a lot of iconic watches is accessible for women—and luckily, aswell in the anatomy of a altogether accurate and affordable rolex replica watches.
15 August 2016 at 11:18
Unknown said…
The ugg is fabricated up of affidavit boots. It is actual accepted in the abode of ugg on sale in 1970. It is actual important that we should b accurate about the affected books accessible in the markets .The a lot of important affair is that they are fabricated up of derma which actual accepted all about the world. In the online we get abounding models in a actual bargain amount with acute models. Varieties of western outlets are accessible to accomplish the abrasion added appropriate in the affair times. Get the best one in the online. If you accept any abashing abaft selecting the best ugg pas Cher it is consistently bigger to seek the best chump account center. The chump account will accord you the best admonition to baddest the best boots during the division times.If you adjudge to cheap ugg boots the best boots aboriginal you adjudge the account amount and again seek the admonition they will appearance you the models with the aftereffect price. Abounding offers will be accessible during the division times. In the division times you can get the bargain ugg in a actual reasonable rate. Abounding alike affected ugg boots are accessible in a ample extent. Beware of the alike boots accessible in the markets. Abounding new models for women, men and kids. The boots are actual bendable and acutely non-allergic that makes the basal comfortable. In the abode of Australia the boots are actual acclaimed because of affidavit boots. The bewitched advantage of the cossack is that they accumulate the basal balmy in the algid division and air-conditioned in the balmy season.There are lots of models in the ugg boots they are alpine shaped, abbreviate shaped. As of we ugg on sale that cloths fabricated of beastly derma will be accountable to criticism by the beastly liberation movement. The ugg pas Cher is the greatest allowance by the manufacturers and sellers because they accord the best of boots at a actual low amount level. You can acquisition the best brace of boots in the online arcade at a actual bargain rate. During the division allowance times they accord you the best of products. The cast names and ante are displayed at the basal of the products. Official online retailers are accessible to accomplish the artefact added creative. Celebrities cheap ugg this blazon of boots on any break to accomplish the reel feel of affidavit and top superior stitching. Not alone the boots they are affairs and accomplishment lots of appearance accessories are broadly apparent in the online to get the best of efforts. The air of cher atmosphere makes the celebrities feel affection in their hearts. Acquisition your own time to baddest the best accessible online accessories available. The best avant-garde advised with enabling colors are apparent affluence in the online to bout the aftertaste of yours. Colors of altered boots accomplish your anxiety analogous and added accustomed and beautiful. Accomplish the absolute feel of boots at a actual bargain amount in the best online arcade cart.
14 September 2016 at 09:51
Blogger said…
Did you know that you can make dollars by locking premium areas of your blog or website?
Simply open an account with Mgcash and run their content locking plug-in.
29 September 2016 at 01:23
hoxn123 said…
British fashion handbag replica ICON CHECK men’s series limited edition 20, have independent number.ICON CHECK series ladies replica watch Designer handbags with 38mm 18K rose gold case, with diamonds and diamond ring, and mother of Pearl dial. The STP3-13 movement Replica Rolex Watches for the first time using Burberry gooseneck device. Watches Replica .To Burberry logo of plaid classic pattern for inspiration, staggered 245 teeth senior UK Replica watches diamond hand inlaid.
2 December 2016 at 09:27
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Time I Screamed at my Kids

Before my kids arrived I swore I’d never shout at them. But choosing how to approach parenthood before your kids are born is like a caterpillar deciding what kind of butterfly they’re gonna be while they’re still building the cocoon. ‘I’ll still do loads of charity work, of course. And I’ll be REALLY nice to moths too, even though they’ll probably hate me because I’ll be so bloody gorgeous.’ Theory and reality are like sugar and shit. I’ve raised my voice to my kids more times than I can count. Often just to shout ‘STOP SHOUTING!’ which I’m aware doesn’t set a great example. ‘You should NEVER shout at your kids.’ And that’s fine. In theory. Because everything’s fine in theory. The Slimfast diet is a piece of piss until day two when you’ve had three hours sleep and someone offers you a Wagon Wheel. Of course, I never WANT to shout at them. I love them more than words can describe. But those you love are also the ones blessed with the innate ability to boil your piss q
Post a Comment
Read more

We Have a Winner!

Ladies and gentlemen - some news! One recipient of my newsletter is now the 'lucky' (ahem) winner of an exclusive gig from me IN THEIR HOUSE! And that person is... Lyn Morter!  Well done, Lyn! (Btw, if anyone from  Ofcom  is reading, you can check the legitimacy of this result via the  Facebook Live video  I did last week.) When I informed Lyn that she'd won she simply said, 'I've never heard of you' and 'How did you get my phone number?' so I'm sure that will be a great gig for everyone. (Only joking. She was thrilled.) Thanks to all of you for entering. But what now, Sam?  I hear you screaming at your smartphones. Well, I'll be taking things a wee bit easier through August, spending some much needed time with my family after all the touring. But just like that former Governor of California of Austrian descent, I'LL BE BACK (sorry) in September with more blogs, videos and general waffle.  I'm also heading b
Post a Comment
Read more

The Time I Smeared Shit on the Duvet

My wife and I developed our parenting systems through trial and error. One of the earliest rules we’d introduced was that if it was after 5am and one of the babies became unsettled, we wouldn’t waste our time trying to get them back down in their cot - we’d just bring them in with us. After a nice cuddle in our bed, they’d normally settle back down, barring the occasional impromptu fanny gouge or affable bollock kick. (Babies are the most violent sleepers on the planet, easily capable of committing GBH in the middle of reaching for their dummy.) Our twins were six months old. I was fast asleep. At least, the deepest sleep you can get once your kids arrive. My pre-kids sleep used to be the nocturnal equivalent of deep sea diving. Nowadays I’m lucky if I can submerge my toes in a puddle. Early on, my sleep was lighter than a Ryvita biscuit who’d been having it off with a helium canister they’d met on Tinder. Everything woke me up. Some nights I’d just lie there, bewi
Post a Comment
Read more