Sam Avery

HERE'S MY 10 ESSENTIALS FOR NEW PARENTS: A bottle making machine – it’s 2015 and we have amazing things like WiFi and stuffed crust pizza so why struggle with manually getting the temperature of your baby milk perfect? Loads of bibs, and not Velcro ones as they attack all the other washing in the machine like sticky parasitic bastards. A Moses basket that doesn't creak like a listed building every time your baby farts at 3 in the morning. At least 450 muslin cloths. A baby sick coloured carpet for minimal stain visibility. A baby sick coloured sofa. A range of baby sick coloured clothes (if you don’t have them already, you’ll have them soon enough) More clothes for your baby than even Madonna would have – they’ll never stop finding new and inventive ways to soil them. Something to cover your boy’s willie when you’re changing his nappy – stops him whazzing all over himself which is never nice to see, even though he seems to quite like it. ...

1.You’re surrounded by the smell of shit and baby wipes. Whether you’re front left at the Pyramid Stage or stood in your kitchen, you’ll be inhaling this aroma the whole time. It’s omnipotent. 2.You’re lucky if you get two hours sleep a night. It could be your baby screaming the house down or the early morning sun turning your tent into a sweat-den after a late night at Shangri-La, but sleep isn’t happening either way. 3.You inadvertently sing along to some truly terrible music. From Peppa Pig to Chas and Dave, Tellytubbies to Kanye West – it’s all crap. But you will be humming it. Just because it’s catchy doesn’t mean it’s good. Ebola is catchy. 4.You can say goodbye to nice relaxing toilet breaks. Whether it’s queueing to squat over a rancid portaloo or doing a poo in installments because you thought you heard your baby crying, neither are attractive options. 5.You’re only ever five minutes away from being kneedeep in sludge. Maybe it’s a torrential downf...

Opening your baby’s nappy is like a box of chocolates – you never know what you’re going to get and you’ll probably end up with sticky fingers. My twin boys are 10 weeks old and these are the 12 types of nappy I’ve encountered so far. (If you’re eating your dinner I recommend reading this a bit later on.) 1.The Leak (AKA The Pooseidon Adventure ) It’s everywhere except in the nappy itself. Worse still, it’s leaving a trail. If Hansel and Gretel had a leaking baby with them the story would’ve ended happily. This type makes me actually doubt gravity. How can something that goes down end up on their shoulder? If it wasn't so gross you'd stand up and applaud. Unfortunately you can’t even enjoy the irony of removing a sleepsuit with bum juice up the back and ‘Too Cute’ across the front. (There are many causes of The Leak , one of which I covered in it’s full gory detail here. ) 2.The Tardis (AKA The Turdis , The Doctor Poo ) This is when the amount of was...

Yesterday my country voted for the next Government. It was my first General Election as a parent which gave it added importance and also made me very nervous. The key issue for me was the NHS. I’ve been lucky enough to never need an operation but as I’ve written about on this blog one of my newborn sons did on the first full day of his life. The health care we received was phenomenal from start to finish. From our very first scan , to our regular scans at the Women’s Hospital, the staff were professional, compassionate and supportive.  We went there fortnightly and met peadiatricians, doctors, midwives and specialists who put our minds at rest when things weren’t as we’d hoped and helped us plan the best way to ensure our lads would come out healthy at the other end. The midwives who steered my wife through a 28 hour labour and then emergency c-section were real life guardian angels (the helpful type, not the biker gang) and we’ll forever be in debt to ...