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The Secret Diary of a 2 Year Old (Part 39)


MONDAY
Went to soft play centre this morning and couldn’t wait to get on the slide. Was so excited to slide down in my super slidey pants and super slidey socks and I was flying down the slide and got a bit too excited and turned round halfway down and CUT MY FUCKING HEAD! How can you call it a ‘Soft Play’ when there’s hard bits all over the place? Cried so much I couldn’t breathe for a while. Got given a lollipop so stopped crying and started breathing. Tried to go back on the slide but wasn’t allowed with my lollipop. Finished lollipop quickly but STILL wasn’t allowed back on. Gutted because I’d wolfed down my lollipop and had my super slidey pants on. Started crying again. Wanted another lollipop but got offered fruit. FUCKING FRUIT! WITH A HEAD INJURY! Do me a favour. If I’m bleeding, I want sugar. Simple as. Cried all the way home in my super slidey pants.

TUESDAY
Another stand-off at lunchtime today. What can I say? Some days I like chicken, some days I don’t. Some days I like beef, today I preferred my shoe. Tomorrow I might fancy a bit of fried rubber with a side order of fuck all - who knows? I can’t help it if my tastebuds are all messed up. It’s Mother Nature, man.

WEDNESDAY
Had a raspberry conversation with my own arse this evening. We chatted about all sorts. Tried to start it up again later but things got a bit heated and I accidentally shat myself.

THURSDAY
Really want to go to nursery with no clothes on tomorrow. They probably won’t let me, as per usual. Why is this never an option? I reckon most people would prefer it. Might try and start a movement.

FRIDAY
Saw my own reflection whilst having a poo today. Christ almighty. Have I been pulling that face the whole time? I look like Mummy when she steps on Lego.

SATURDAY
Got subjected to the entire weekly shop again. Used to love those trolleys but I get so bored now. There’s endless havoc I could be unleashing around the supermarket but instead I’m treated like a prisoner. Was crying on the way out and some old lady said, ‘Ooh, he’s not a happy bunny is he?’ Of course I’m not fucking happy - I’m strapped to a barbaric metal contraption in the middle of Aldi while my little life passes me by. And if I don’t know you, don't touch my face, okay?

SUNDAY
The Big People need to get their stupid heads around the fact that sometimes I simply do not need or want to sleep. Just because I’m screaming, rubbing my eyes and yawning doesn’t mean I’m tired. Most of the time I’m just fuming that yet again, they’ve taken me away from playtime. There’s so much entertainment to be seen and when they incarcerate me in my cot I’m missing all the crucial parts. That mirror in the hallway? Incredible. Slapping the window sill? Priceless. Interrupting Daddy on the toilet? NEVER GETS OLD.

(I'm a parent blogger, stand up comic and dad to toddler twins. I post a new 'Secret Diary' to this FB page every Tuesday and I'm also on Instagram.

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