MONDAY
Got given a meal that didn’t just look horrible, it
downright offended me. I mean, I didn’t even know what it was but the second
they put the plate down in front of me, I could just tell it was minging.
Decided to bypass the usual gradual acceleration from
whimpering-to-crying-to-screaming and just went straight in at
end-of-fucking-days yelling and screeching. THEN those fuckers tried to sneak a
bit into my mouth, right in the middle of my existential meltdown. Pricks. (I
needed empathy at that point, not mashed potato.) Spent twenty minutes refusing
to co-operate and trying to escape my high chair until they eventually ignored
me for a bit and I ate the whole plate. Bloody lovely it was. Bit cold though.
TUESDAY
The Big People are always like, ‘Why are you awake so
early?’ Check inside my nappy, Sherlock – that’ll help you crack the puzzle.
You try sleeping when your buttocks are drowning in their own filth.
WEDNESDAY
Had some Calpol today. That stuff is magic. I went from
hating the world to thinking everything was amazing. Must be what I’ve seen the
Big People drink on Friday nights.
THURSDAY
Gonna be two soon. Can’t believe it really. Still don’t have
a career plan in place although I think I’d probably like to grow up to be a
horse.
FRIDAY
Went to the park but they dressed me in these really bad
trousers that didn’t slide on the slide. And I’ve got my street cred to
consider – all the other kids know me as an intrepid daredevil but these pants
slowed me right up so I dripped halfway down, then got stuck and had to bum
shuffle my way to the bottom. Humiliated.
SATURDAY
It’s slowly dawning on me that I’m totally clueless in
almost every area of life. Today I lay down on the floor and rubbed my face
across the gravel. ON PURPOSE! It stung like fuck, obviously. What is wrong
with me?
SUNDAY
Those big fools left the babygate open this morning so I was
straight up the stairs. It was exhilarating. My plan was to get to the top so I
throw myself down again but they caught me halfway up. Bastards. It’s my own
fault for giggling the whole time.
I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every
Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...I'm also on Instagram...
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