Skip to main content

The Secret Diary of a 23 Month Old (Part 37)

MONDAY
Got given a meal that didn’t just look horrible, it downright offended me. I mean, I didn’t even know what it was but the second they put the plate down in front of me, I could just tell it was minging. Decided to bypass the usual gradual acceleration from whimpering-to-crying-to-screaming and just went straight in at end-of-fucking-days yelling and screeching. THEN those fuckers tried to sneak a bit into my mouth, right in the middle of my existential meltdown. Pricks. (I needed empathy at that point, not mashed potato.) Spent twenty minutes refusing to co-operate and trying to escape my high chair until they eventually ignored me for a bit and I ate the whole plate. Bloody lovely it was. Bit cold though.

TUESDAY
The Big People are always like, ‘Why are you awake so early?’ Check inside my nappy, Sherlock – that’ll help you crack the puzzle. You try sleeping when your buttocks are drowning in their own filth.

WEDNESDAY
Had some Calpol today. That stuff is magic. I went from hating the world to thinking everything was amazing. Must be what I’ve seen the Big People drink on Friday nights.

THURSDAY
Gonna be two soon. Can’t believe it really. Still don’t have a career plan in place although I think I’d probably like to grow up to be a horse.

FRIDAY
Went to the park but they dressed me in these really bad trousers that didn’t slide on the slide. And I’ve got my street cred to consider – all the other kids know me as an intrepid daredevil but these pants slowed me right up so I dripped halfway down, then got stuck and had to bum shuffle my way to the bottom. Humiliated.

SATURDAY
It’s slowly dawning on me that I’m totally clueless in almost every area of life. Today I lay down on the floor and rubbed my face across the gravel. ON PURPOSE! It stung like fuck, obviously. What is wrong with me?

SUNDAY
Those big fools left the babygate open this morning so I was straight up the stairs. It was exhilarating. My plan was to get to the top so I throw myself down again but they caught me halfway up. Bastards. It’s my own fault for giggling the whole time.

I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...I'm also on Instagram...

Comments

Anonymous said…
In many cultures, you will find the practice of carrying a bag of significant objects, items considered to aid and carry power and which help in times of healing. Whether the Native American medicine bag, the African-derived gris or the mulberry replica bag, all of these items are small bags used as charms or fetishes. They are blessed items which hold smaller ritual objects, prayers, and items of personal importance and symbolism.Medicine bags as used by Native American shaman were actually quite large, carrying ritual masks, herbs and medicinal plants, ritual totems and more. In essence, if you want to make yourself a medicine bag, you need to make it large enough to hold whatever it is you wish to carry in it. For hermes replica handbags taken to rituals and festivals, you might want something small enough so you can tie it to a belt as a pouch, or you might want something the size of a moderate purse or tote bag.
Unknown said…
You should explore https://buyessayonline.ninja/blog/sat-score if you need any education and exam tips.
Anonymous said…
Hey guys, I'm so excited of getting my husband back after he left me and our 3 kids for another woman.
After 2 years of marriage, me and my husband has been into one quarrel or the other until he finally left me and moved to California to be with another woman. i felt my life was over and my kids thought they would never see their father again. i tried to be strong just for the kids but i could not control the pains that torments my heart, my heart was filled with sorrows and pains because i was really in love with my husband. Every day and night i think of him and always wish he would come back to me, I was really upset and i needed help, so i searched for help online and I came across a website that suggested that Dr Unity can help get ex back fast. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and he told me what to do and i did it then he did a (Love spell) for me. 28 hours later, my husband really called me and told me that he miss me and the kids so much, So Amazing!! So that was how he came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and he apologized for his mistake,and for the pain he caused me and the kids. Then from that day,our Marriage was now stronger than how it were before,All thanks to Dr Unity. he is so powerful and i decided to share my story on the internet that Dr Unity real and powerful spell caster who i will always pray to live long to help his children in the time of trouble, if you are here and you need your Ex back or your husband moved to another woman, do not cry anymore, contact this powerful spell caster now. Here’s his contact: Email him at: Unityspelltemple@gmail.com ,
you can also call him or add him on Whats-app: +2348071622464 ,
his website:http://unityspelltemple.yolasite.com ,
Jessica, 26 years, Texas, USA .
Unknown said…
I have something to share with you!!! There is a great joy in my heart
which I want to share with everyone. My name is Caroline Webb from United
States. I had a misunderstanding with my lover last year which led us to
break up and he never wanted to hear my voice again. He saw a beautiful
woman which he find more prettier than me, but as time went on I met god Dr lucky He is a great spell caster. I contacted him through his email and
explained everything to him. He said that I shouldn't worry, that my lover
will come back to me on his knees begging for forgiveness before 24
hours.My greatest joy now is that he actually came back to me and fell on
his knees begging for forgiveness, and today we are happy and he also cured
my Sister's breast cancer. Do you have any problem? worry no more because
Dr lucky can provide lasting spell solution to any problems:email him Dr luckysolutiontemple@gmail.com or call him +23480139792383 or add him on whats- app +23480139792383

If you want your ex back.

You want to be promoted in your office.

If you want to be cured of HIV, Cancers and other diseases.

You want to be rich.

You want your husband/wife to be yours forever.

If you need financial assistance.

Popular posts from this blog

The Time I Screamed at my Kids

Before my kids arrived I swore I’d never shout at them. But choosing how to approach parenthood before your kids are born is like a caterpillar deciding what kind of butterfly they’re gonna be while they’re still building the cocoon. ‘I’ll still do loads of charity work, of course. And I’ll be REALLY nice to moths too, even though they’ll probably hate me because I’ll be so bloody gorgeous.’ Theory and reality are like sugar and shit. I’ve raised my voice to my kids more times than I can count. Often just to shout ‘STOP SHOUTING!’ which I’m aware doesn’t set a great example. ‘You should NEVER shout at your kids.’ And that’s fine. In theory. Because everything’s fine in theory. The Slimfast diet is a piece of piss until day two when you’ve had three hours sleep and someone offers you a Wagon Wheel. Of course, I never WANT to shout at them. I love them more than words can describe. But those you love are also the ones blessed with the innate ability to boil your piss q

The Time I Smeared Shit on the Duvet

My wife and I developed our parenting systems through trial and error. One of the earliest rules we’d introduced was that if it was after 5am and one of the babies became unsettled, we wouldn’t waste our time trying to get them back down in their cot - we’d just bring them in with us. After a nice cuddle in our bed, they’d normally settle back down, barring the occasional impromptu fanny gouge or affable bollock kick. (Babies are the most violent sleepers on the planet, easily capable of committing GBH in the middle of reaching for their dummy.) Our twins were six months old. I was fast asleep. At least, the deepest sleep you can get once your kids arrive. My pre-kids sleep used to be the nocturnal equivalent of deep sea diving. Nowadays I’m lucky if I can submerge my toes in a puddle. Early on, my sleep was lighter than a Ryvita biscuit who’d been having it off with a helium canister they’d met on Tinder. Everything woke me up. Some nights I’d just lie there, bewi

The Time I Got Sent to the Naughty Step

The naughty step is only as powerful as the child allows it to be. I once sent my son there and 20 seconds later he came racing through the living room on his fucking bike. I briefly tried to return him to his pleasantly carpeted penitentiary but I was far too busy giggling. On another occasion, my lad wouldn’t go to bed and instead plonked himself down on the bottom of the stairs in defiance. I started to threaten him with a trip to the dreaded step of naughtiness. ‘IF YOU DON’T GET TO BED RIGHT NOW, I’ll, erm….’ I tailed off as I realised he was already sitting on the effing naughty step and my threat now made less sense than Welsh hip-hop. I could see on his little face, he’d worked this out too. He threw me a smirk that said, ‘You’ll do what, knobhead?’ I felt it crucial not to back down. So I continued: ‘I’LL PUT YOU ON THE NAUGHTY STEP, YOUNG MAN!’ ‘But I’m already on it!’ he snorted. My brain turned to scrambled egg. ‘WELL THEN!’ I had nothing. Bu