MONDAY
I think I’ve grown into a very generous person. I just love
sharing stuff with other people. As long as I get it back straight away, I’ll
share with absolutely anyone. Also, everyone else needs to share whatever they
have with me at all times, otherwise I get very angry. And I’m not giving that
stuff back. No chance. Never. Don’t even ask. I won’t.
TUESDAY
I’m sure there used to be stuff on the bottom shelf of the
bookcase. That place is empty now. God knows why. Used to love throwing that
stuff everywhere.
WEDNESDAY
My world has crumbled – I lost my teddy bear today. Worse
than that, the Big People thought it was perfectly acceptable to give me a
brand new replacement and consider the matter closed. WTF? I don’t think they
grasp the concept that a good sleeping teddy can’t just be purchased from a
shop. It has to tick several important boxes.
Firstly, the appearance. It needs to have some serious miles
on the clock. Take a look at a brand new teddy. Now, imagine that box-fresh,
innocent teddy bear has been squatting in a crack-den for seven months straight
and you’re getting close to how it should look. Ideally it’ll also be covered
in stains of all shapes and sizes from the three major sources. These must be
of assorted vintage – some still damp and others matured to a pleasant crust.
The scent should evoke a peculiar blend of revulsion and comfort and it
ABSOLUTELY must have an appendage of some kind that can be jammed into one’s
nose. (I cannot stress the last bit enough.)
This new one had none of the above. We had no connection. I
cried all night and decided I’d never sleep again until in the end I shut my
eyes and had a cracking ten hours.
THURSDAY
Need to sort my life out - tried to grab the actual poo from
my nappy today. What the fuck is wrong with me?
FRIDAY
Bet myself that I could walk the entire length of the
kitchen with my eyes shut. Walked into the oven instantly, fell over and bit my
lip. The pain was terrible but to be honest, it was more embarrassing than
anything. Will try again tomorrow.
SATURDAY
The Big People spent AGES making my food today. Refused to
taste it on principal. They must learn.
SUNDAY
Slipped on a noisy book today and really hurt myself. Lay in
a heap on the floor crying and the bastard thing was trash-talking me. Totally
humiliated. Waited till later on and then ripped the gobby thing to pieces. It
was still talking as I dismantled it piece by piece. Probably begging for
mercy. Knobhead.
I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every
Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...You can also find me
on Instagram...
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