10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#25)

1.It's easy to get to midday and realise you've not stopped since 6am but have achieved a grand total of fuck all.

2.Postman Pat is really starting to get on my tits.

3.You don't need an alarm clock when your son can just twat you in the face repeatedly.

4.Highlight of the week: Twin 1 pressing a toy that shouted 'Well done!' seconds after Twin 2 noisily shat himself.

5.If your son headbutts you on the nose mid-cuddle there's a good chance you'll also jolt your head back and whack it on the wall. Happy times.

6.A baby who poos while you're feeding them is, if nothing else, efficient.

7.Only as a parent have I ever sat down on the toilet and thought, 'yep, I've earned this...'

8.If our washing machine and tumble dryer were in a trade union they would've called a walkout for better working conditions months ago.

9.Nothing will underline how utterly exhausted you are more than sitting on the sofa for two minutes.

10.After my wife spending the week in bed with norovirus I have even more respect for single parents. I doff my cap to all of you.

I'm a stand up comic and dad of twins. Click here to follow my blog on Facebook.

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22 April 2017 at 06:00

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