1.You cannot put a nappy on a moving target.
2.It's impossible to tidy the house. You can move things around and put them in different rooms but the house will remain a shit hole.
3.People without kids who say they're exhausted can kiss my tired, fat arse.
4.They should sell waterproof ponchos like at theme parks for when you're feeding your baby yoghurt.
5.Tidying up around your napping child makes you feel like a burglar in your own home.
6.After you've sneezed, a ten month old will stare at you like you're a magic eye painting.
7.The average standard of manners in your house nosedives once your children arrive.
8.Babies sit up from a horizontal position like scary 1950's horror villains.
9.A baby that hasn't pooed in three days is a ticking time-bomb waiting to explode.
10.Every time you buy the next nappy size up your heart drops, just a tiny bit. They really do grow up too fast.
I'm a stand up comic and dad to twins. Click here to follow my blog on Facebook.