Skip to main content

10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#20)

1.You cannot put a nappy on a moving target.

2.It's impossible to tidy the house. You can move things around and put them in different rooms but the house will remain a shit hole.

3.People without kids who say they're exhausted can kiss my tired, fat arse.

4.They should sell waterproof ponchos like at theme parks for when you're feeding your baby yoghurt.

5.Tidying up around your napping child makes you feel like a burglar in your own home.

6.After you've sneezed, a ten month old will stare at you like you're a magic eye painting.

7.The average standard of manners in your house nosedives once your children arrive.

8.Babies sit up from a horizontal position like scary 1950's horror villains.

9.A baby that hasn't pooed in three days is a ticking time-bomb waiting to explode.

10.Every time you buy the next nappy size up your heart drops, just a tiny bit. They really do grow up too fast.

I'm a stand up comic and dad to twins. Click here to follow my blog on Facebook.

Comments

Unknown said…
Let me first say that I am encouraged by the upward trend in swiss replica watches. When the Apple Watch was debuted, conservative voices from all around the world and omega replica watches the internet immediately decried smartwatches as a futile exercise that would fail and rolex replica that Apple was stupid for putting so much stock behind them. I do hope those people have learned their lesson, because while the smartwatch industry is still very much in its infancy, sales are good, products are getting better and better, and fake breitling people are certainly wearing Apple Watches, Android Wear watches, and tag heuer replica others which will herald in a new era of what the "watch" means to the mainstream consumer.

Popular posts from this blog

The Time I Screamed at my Kids

Before my kids arrived I swore I’d never shout at them. But choosing how to approach parenthood before your kids are born is like a caterpillar deciding what kind of butterfly they’re gonna be while they’re still building the cocoon. ‘I’ll still do loads of charity work, of course. And I’ll be REALLY nice to moths too, even though they’ll probably hate me because I’ll be so bloody gorgeous.’ Theory and reality are like sugar and shit. I’ve raised my voice to my kids more times than I can count. Often just to shout ‘STOP SHOUTING!’ which I’m aware doesn’t set a great example. ‘You should NEVER shout at your kids.’ And that’s fine. In theory. Because everything’s fine in theory. The Slimfast diet is a piece of piss until day two when you’ve had three hours sleep and someone offers you a Wagon Wheel. Of course, I never WANT to shout at them. I love them more than words can describe. But those you love are also the ones blessed with the innate ability to boil your piss q

The Time I Smeared Shit on the Duvet

My wife and I developed our parenting systems through trial and error. One of the earliest rules we’d introduced was that if it was after 5am and one of the babies became unsettled, we wouldn’t waste our time trying to get them back down in their cot - we’d just bring them in with us. After a nice cuddle in our bed, they’d normally settle back down, barring the occasional impromptu fanny gouge or affable bollock kick. (Babies are the most violent sleepers on the planet, easily capable of committing GBH in the middle of reaching for their dummy.) Our twins were six months old. I was fast asleep. At least, the deepest sleep you can get once your kids arrive. My pre-kids sleep used to be the nocturnal equivalent of deep sea diving. Nowadays I’m lucky if I can submerge my toes in a puddle. Early on, my sleep was lighter than a Ryvita biscuit who’d been having it off with a helium canister they’d met on Tinder. Everything woke me up. Some nights I’d just lie there, bewi

We Have a Winner!

Ladies and gentlemen - some news! One recipient of my newsletter is now the 'lucky' (ahem) winner of an exclusive gig from me IN THEIR HOUSE! And that person is... Lyn Morter!  Well done, Lyn! (Btw, if anyone from  Ofcom  is reading, you can check the legitimacy of this result via the  Facebook Live video  I did last week.) When I informed Lyn that she'd won she simply said, 'I've never heard of you' and 'How did you get my phone number?' so I'm sure that will be a great gig for everyone. (Only joking. She was thrilled.) Thanks to all of you for entering. But what now, Sam?  I hear you screaming at your smartphones. Well, I'll be taking things a wee bit easier through August, spending some much needed time with my family after all the touring. But just like that former Governor of California of Austrian descent, I'LL BE BACK (sorry) in September with more blogs, videos and general waffle.  I'm also heading b