Skip to main content

10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#21)

1.Trying to explain how tired you are to someone without kids is like trying to explain the offside rule to a Jack Russell.

2.It's hard to 'enjoy every moment' of parenthood when you feel like a malnourished zombie who'd do time for a lie in.

3.If you eavesdrop on a baby twin babble conversation on 2 hours sleep you'll be convinced they're plotting to overthrow you.

4.The day before the bin men arrive is like Christmas Eve in our house. That's not right.

5.The look of joy on a babies face as you hand them a toy they just put down 5 seconds ago is like they've seen a card trick. Magic.

6.There's only so many things you can add to Old Macdonald's Farm before it starts to sound like a bad acid trip.

7.Changing a messy nappy in front of an audience is more stressful than a camping trip with the in-laws.

8.I'd rather have my prostate examined by E.T. than sing 'Wheels on the Bus' again.

9.But the music to The Furchester Hotel is ace, I don't care what you say.

10.Once babies learn how to grab every cuddle is like being mugged by a dribbling dwarf.

Comments

Unknown said…

Thus, few people are choosing to take off their $10,000 Rolex in favor of a smartwatch, but people with a $100 cheap replica watches might. It takes a lot of passion, education, and culture (not to mention disposable income) to include luxury timepieces in your lifestyle. Just as the journey to discover your favorite luxury replica watches sale watches takes time, so does the opposite situation of deciding you no longer want hublot replica them. People who start to wear luxury replica watches tend to stay wearers for a very long time. And if they take off a omega replica watch, it isn't just to replace it with something lower-end. Only the opposite is normally true. With that said, there is the matter of volume to discuss.

Popular posts from this blog

The Time I Smeared Shit on the Duvet

My wife and I developed our parenting systems through trial and error. One of the earliest rules we’d introduced was that if it was after 5am and one of the babies became unsettled, we wouldn’t waste our time trying to get them back down in their cot - we’d just bring them in with us. After a nice cuddle in our bed, they’d normally settle back down, barring the occasional impromptu fanny gouge or affable bollock kick. (Babies are the most violent sleepers on the planet, easily capable of committing GBH in the middle of reaching for their dummy.) Our twins were six months old. I was fast asleep. At least, the deepest sleep you can get once your kids arrive. My pre-kids sleep used to be the nocturnal equivalent of deep sea diving. Nowadays I’m lucky if I can submerge my toes in a puddle. Early on, my sleep was lighter than a Ryvita biscuit who’d been having it off with a helium canister they’d met on Tinder. Everything woke me up. Some nights I’d just lie there, bewi...

The Time I Got Sent to the Naughty Step

The naughty step is only as powerful as the child allows it to be. I once sent my son there and 20 seconds later he came racing through the living room on his fucking bike. I briefly tried to return him to his pleasantly carpeted penitentiary but I was far too busy giggling. On another occasion, my lad wouldn’t go to bed and instead plonked himself down on the bottom of the stairs in defiance. I started to threaten him with a trip to the dreaded step of naughtiness. ‘IF YOU DON’T GET TO BED RIGHT NOW, I’ll, erm….’ I tailed off as I realised he was already sitting on the effing naughty step and my threat now made less sense than Welsh hip-hop. I could see on his little face, he’d worked this out too. He threw me a smirk that said, ‘You’ll do what, knobhead?’ I felt it crucial not to back down. So I continued: ‘I’LL PUT YOU ON THE NAUGHTY STEP, YOUNG MAN!’ ‘But I’m already on it!’ he snorted. My brain turned to scrambled egg. ‘WELL THEN!’ I had nothing. Bu...

The Time I Screamed at my Kids

Before my kids arrived I swore I’d never shout at them. But choosing how to approach parenthood before your kids are born is like a caterpillar deciding what kind of butterfly they’re gonna be while they’re still building the cocoon. ‘I’ll still do loads of charity work, of course. And I’ll be REALLY nice to moths too, even though they’ll probably hate me because I’ll be so bloody gorgeous.’ Theory and reality are like sugar and shit. I’ve raised my voice to my kids more times than I can count. Often just to shout ‘STOP SHOUTING!’ which I’m aware doesn’t set a great example. ‘You should NEVER shout at your kids.’ And that’s fine. In theory. Because everything’s fine in theory. The Slimfast diet is a piece of piss until day two when you’ve had three hours sleep and someone offers you a Wagon Wheel. Of course, I never WANT to shout at them. I love them more than words can describe. But those you love are also the ones blessed with the innate ability to boil your piss q...