The Secret Diary of a 9 Month Old (Part 14)

MONDAY

People seemed confused why I was grumpy this morning. I'd like to see what mood you'd be in if you woke up in a puddle of your own piss.

TUESDAY

Discovered if you bash a dummy against the side of your cot for long enough the big people show up. Handy to know if there's an emergency.

WEDNESDAY

My snot tastes really bad. Must stop eating it.

THURSDAY

Tickling me when I've just woken up? Come on. There's a time and place for frivolity and first thing isn't it.

FRIDAY

Cried all afternoon. Really enjoyed myself. Who doesn't love a good moan?

SATURDAY

Finally managed to roll onto my front today. Tried to roll back. Couldn't do it. Cried. Lay head in my own snot and tears and gave up. Help arrived. Tried again. Failed again. Cried more. Help arrived again. Gave up. Felt embarrassed.

SUNDAY

Think I'm done with rolling now. I've seen other babies do it and even the good ones don't seem to know what they're doing half the time. Or where they're going. Will figure out another system for getting about.

I'm a stand up comic and new dad to twins. Click here to follow my blog on Facebook.

Comments

10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#29)

1.I cannot believe I EVER complained about being tired pre-kids. 2.That moment when you think there's something seriously wrong with your baby but quickly realise they're just having a massive shite. Ridiculous. 3.The key to cleaning Weetabix off the floor is not to leave it for 10 days. 4.I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact my next lie in will be in 2026. 5.I can recite all the words to The Furchester Hotel yet struggle remembering my own PIN number. 6.They should make talking baby toys swear. Just once or twice a year to keep us interested. 7.I could pick out the noise of a dummy hitting the floor in the middle of an earthquake. 8.Putting shoes on a baby will make you twice as late. 9.I could shave a chimp with ADHD quicker than I can dress my son. 10.Only if they ever make me a grandad will my boys truly understand how much I love them. I'm a finalist in the MAD Blog Awards 2016 and you can vote for me in both '

The Time I Screamed at my Kids

Before my kids arrived I swore I’d never shout at them. But choosing how to approach parenthood before your kids are born is like a caterpillar deciding what kind of butterfly they’re gonna be while they’re still building the cocoon. ‘I’ll still do loads of charity work, of course. And I’ll be REALLY nice to moths too, even though they’ll probably hate me because I’ll be so bloody gorgeous.’ Theory and reality are like sugar and shit. I’ve raised my voice to my kids more times than I can count. Often just to shout ‘STOP SHOUTING!’ which I’m aware doesn’t set a great example. ‘You should NEVER shout at your kids.’ And that’s fine. In theory. Because everything’s fine in theory. The Slimfast diet is a piece of piss until day two when you’ve had three hours sleep and someone offers you a Wagon Wheel. Of course, I never WANT to shout at them. I love them more than words can describe. But those you love are also the ones blessed with the innate ability to boil your piss q

We Have a Winner!

Ladies and gentlemen - some news! One recipient of my newsletter is now the 'lucky' (ahem) winner of an exclusive gig from me IN THEIR HOUSE! And that person is... Lyn Morter! Well done, Lyn! (Btw, if anyone from Ofcom is reading, you can check the legitimacy of this result via the Facebook Live video I did last week.) When I informed Lyn that she'd won she simply said, 'I've never heard of you' and 'How did you get my phone number?' so I'm sure that will be a great gig for everyone. (Only joking. She was thrilled.) Thanks to all of you for entering. But what now, Sam? I hear you screaming at your smartphones. Well, I'll be taking things a wee bit easier through August, spending some much needed time with my family after all the touring. But just like that former Governor of California of Austrian descent, I'LL BE BACK (sorry) in September with more blogs, videos and general waffle. I'm also heading b

Sam Avery

Search This Blog