The Secret Diary of a 9 Month Old (Part 14)

MONDAY

People seemed confused why I was grumpy this morning. I'd like to see what mood you'd be in if you woke up in a puddle of your own piss.

TUESDAY

Discovered if you bash a dummy against the side of your cot for long enough the big people show up. Handy to know if there's an emergency.

WEDNESDAY

My snot tastes really bad. Must stop eating it.

THURSDAY

Tickling me when I've just woken up? Come on. There's a time and place for frivolity and first thing isn't it.

FRIDAY

Cried all afternoon. Really enjoyed myself. Who doesn't love a good moan?

SATURDAY

Finally managed to roll onto my front today. Tried to roll back. Couldn't do it. Cried. Lay head in my own snot and tears and gave up. Help arrived. Tried again. Failed again. Cried more. Help arrived again. Gave up. Felt embarrassed.

SUNDAY

Think I'm done with rolling now. I've seen other babies do it and even the good ones don't seem to know what they're doing half the time. Or where they're going. Will figure out another system for getting about.

I'm a stand up comic and new dad to twins. Click here to follow my blog on Facebook.

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24 March 2017 at 06:29

The Time I Screamed at my Kids

Before my kids arrived I swore I’d never shout at them. But choosing how to approach parenthood before your kids are born is like a caterpillar deciding what kind of butterfly they’re gonna be while they’re still building the cocoon. ‘I’ll still do loads of charity work, of course. And I’ll be REALLY nice to moths too, even though they’ll probably hate me because I’ll be so bloody gorgeous.’ Theory and reality are like sugar and shit. I’ve raised my voice to my kids more times than I can count. Often just to shout ‘STOP SHOUTING!’ which I’m aware doesn’t set a great example. ‘You should NEVER shout at your kids.’ And that’s fine. In theory. Because everything’s fine in theory. The Slimfast diet is a piece of piss until day two when you’ve had three hours sleep and someone offers you a Wagon Wheel. Of course, I never WANT to shout at them. I love them more than words can describe. But those you love are also the ones blessed with the innate ability to boil your piss q

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Sam Avery

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