The Secret Diary of an 8 Month Old (Part 12)

MONDAY
Coughed so hard today I shat myself. A humdinger too. Big people came into the room asking me what was wrong. Do I really have to spell it out for you? Open your eyes, people.

TUESDAY
Dinner time was a disaster. Big people insisted I eat food on the spoon. I wanted stuff on the floor. They stood firm and I wouldn't compromise. Didn't eat anything but cried lots. They made aeroplane noises. I cried more. They made train noises. I screamed. They pretended to give me food off floor. I noticed it was the same food as on spoon. They gave up. I stopped crying. Went to bed. Woke up because I was hungry. Drank some milk. Went back to sleep.

WEDNESDAY
Got totally tricked today. Was crying and the big people did a silly dance and made me laugh instead. I hate it when they do that.

THURSDAY
Accidentally bit my finger while eating lunch. Cried like hell. It hurt a bit but more than anything it was just really embarrassing.

FRIDAY
Yet more drama at the dinner table. Not my fault this time. I just wanted to play with the knife that was just out of my reach. Big people are so unreasonable.

SATURDAY
Terrible experience today. Not ready to talk about it yet. Too raw.

SUNDAY
Ready to talk now. Basically, yesterday the big people put a coat on me. A coat. Against my will. Sleeves, buttons, the whole nine yards. It was snowing outside but I was happy in my t-shirt. They knew it too. And they still put that coat on me. They're so stubborn sometimes.

I'm a stand up comic and dad to twins. You can follow my blog on Facebook by clicking here.

Comments

We Have a Winner!

Ladies and gentlemen - some news! One recipient of my newsletter is now the 'lucky' (ahem) winner of an exclusive gig from me IN THEIR HOUSE! And that person is... Lyn Morter! Well done, Lyn! (Btw, if anyone from Ofcom is reading, you can check the legitimacy of this result via the Facebook Live video I did last week.) When I informed Lyn that she'd won she simply said, 'I've never heard of you' and 'How did you get my phone number?' so I'm sure that will be a great gig for everyone. (Only joking. She was thrilled.) Thanks to all of you for entering. But what now, Sam? I hear you screaming at your smartphones. Well, I'll be taking things a wee bit easier through August, spending some much needed time with my family after all the touring. But just like that former Governor of California of Austrian descent, I'LL BE BACK (sorry) in September with more blogs, videos and general waf...

The Time I Smeared Shit on the Duvet

My wife and I developed our parenting systems through trial and error. One of the earliest rules we’d introduced was that if it was after 5am and one of the babies became unsettled, we wouldn’t waste our time trying to get them back down in their cot - we’d just bring them in with us. After a nice cuddle in our bed, they’d normally settle back down, barring the occasional impromptu fanny gouge or affable bollock kick. (Babies are the most violent sleepers on the planet, easily capable of committing GBH in the middle of reaching for their dummy.) Our twins were six months old. I was fast asleep. At least, the deepest sleep you can get once your kids arrive. My pre-kids sleep used to be the nocturnal equivalent of deep sea diving. Nowadays I’m lucky if I can submerge my toes in a puddle. Early on, my sleep was lighter than a Ryvita biscuit who’d been having it off with a helium canister they’d met on Tinder. Everything woke me up. Some nights I’d just lie there, bewi...

The Time I Screamed at my Kids

Before my kids arrived I swore I’d never shout at them. But choosing how to approach parenthood before your kids are born is like a caterpillar deciding what kind of butterfly they’re gonna be while they’re still building the cocoon. ‘I’ll still do loads of charity work, of course. And I’ll be REALLY nice to moths too, even though they’ll probably hate me because I’ll be so bloody gorgeous.’ Theory and reality are like sugar and shit. I’ve raised my voice to my kids more times than I can count. Often just to shout ‘STOP SHOUTING!’ which I’m aware doesn’t set a great example. ‘You should NEVER shout at your kids.’ And that’s fine. In theory. Because everything’s fine in theory. The Slimfast diet is a piece of piss until day two when you’ve had three hours sleep and someone offers you a Wagon Wheel. Of course, I never WANT to shout at them. I love them more than words can describe. But those you love are also the ones blessed with the innate ability to boil your piss q...

Sam Avery

Search This Blog