Skip to main content

The Secret Diary of a 6 Month Old.

Today was brilliant – I cried all afternoon and refused to nap. Then did a wee in my cot so they had to change all the sheets. Can’t wait for tomorrow.

Tried the crying thing again but accidentally fell asleep for three hours and woke up feeling great. Gutted.

Had some proper food today. Don’t like chewing for myself though so as a protest I spat most of it onto the floor. Take that, big people.

Managed to shove my hand right down my throat and made myself do a really weird cough that felt quite bad. Did it again straight after just to check. Felt bad again. Will try it loads tomorrow.

Left a tiny bit of sick behind the sofa. They won’t find that for months. Fight the power!

Had some fish for dinner. Quite enjoyed it but haven’t worked out how to tell my face yet so looked like I hated it. Then threw up this smelly fishy puke all over my sleepsuit so they put me in the bath. Then pooed in the bath so they got me out very quickly while making lots of noise and I went to bed still smelling a bit fishy but feeling very happy.

Pooed in the bath again. On purpose this time. It just feels so natural. Big people went crazy again, you’d think someone took their dummy out. Don't know what all the fuss is about. 

I'm a stand up comic and new dad to twins. You can click here to follow me on Facebook where I post all my blogs, memes and other blatherings about parenthood. (Or go to the top right of this page) 


Unknown said…
It just feels so natural. Big people went crazy again, you’d think someone took their dummy out. Liked the post... thanks ..
Anonymous said…
Imitation Rolex DeepSeaReplica rolex replica - One thing's for sure: replica Rolex watches are accepting bigger and better. Never afore accept you apparent affected fake rolex as comfortable and accurate as the replica Rolexes in our collection.
Rolex Submariner Replica WatchReplica Submariner Watch - The fake rolex watches Submariner is one of the a lot of iconic affluence wristwatches anytime produced. Our replica Submariner watch is one of the a lot of fabulously accurate replica watches the apple has anytime seen.
hoxn123 said…
talking pieces from Watches Replica the exhibiting brands were large, complicated and really, really expensive.A. Lange & Sohne – UK Replica watches in my opinion one of the finest watch manufactures in the world today handbag replica – showed its hotly anticipated Zeitwerk Minute Repeater. A minute repeater is the most regal of Designer handbags complications, and yet here it is housed in a 44mm-plus case. The price tag? Close to half a million US Replica Rolex Watches dollars (£330,000).
joyshoesonline said…
The best way for you to possibly save on anything watch-related is with the best replica rolex Watches deals on Cyber Monday.

Popular posts from this blog

10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#29)

1.I cannot believe I EVER complained about being tired pre-kids. 2.That moment when you think there's something seriously wrong with your baby but quickly realise they're just having a massive shite. Ridiculous. 3.The key to cleaning Weetabix off the floor is not to leave it for 10 days. 4.I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact my next lie in will be in 2026. 5.I can recite all the words to The Furchester Hotel yet struggle remembering my own PIN number. 6.They should make talking baby toys swear. Just once or twice a year to keep us interested. 7.I could pick out the noise of a dummy hitting the floor in the middle of an earthquake. 8.Putting shoes on a baby will make you twice as late. 9.I could shave a chimp with ADHD quicker than I can dress my son. 10.Only if they ever make me a grandad will my boys truly understand how much I love them. I'm a finalist in the MAD Blog Awards 2016 and you can vote for me in both '

The Time I Screamed at my Kids

Before my kids arrived I swore I’d never shout at them. But choosing how to approach parenthood before your kids are born is like a caterpillar deciding what kind of butterfly they’re gonna be while they’re still building the cocoon. ‘I’ll still do loads of charity work, of course. And I’ll be REALLY nice to moths too, even though they’ll probably hate me because I’ll be so bloody gorgeous.’ Theory and reality are like sugar and shit. I’ve raised my voice to my kids more times than I can count. Often just to shout ‘STOP SHOUTING!’ which I’m aware doesn’t set a great example. ‘You should NEVER shout at your kids.’ And that’s fine. In theory. Because everything’s fine in theory. The Slimfast diet is a piece of piss until day two when you’ve had three hours sleep and someone offers you a Wagon Wheel. Of course, I never WANT to shout at them. I love them more than words can describe. But those you love are also the ones blessed with the innate ability to boil your piss q

We Have a Winner!

Ladies and gentlemen - some news! One recipient of my newsletter is now the 'lucky' (ahem) winner of an exclusive gig from me IN THEIR HOUSE! And that person is... Lyn Morter!  Well done, Lyn! (Btw, if anyone from  Ofcom  is reading, you can check the legitimacy of this result via the  Facebook Live video  I did last week.) When I informed Lyn that she'd won she simply said, 'I've never heard of you' and 'How did you get my phone number?' so I'm sure that will be a great gig for everyone. (Only joking. She was thrilled.) Thanks to all of you for entering. But what now, Sam?  I hear you screaming at your smartphones. Well, I'll be taking things a wee bit easier through August, spending some much needed time with my family after all the touring. But just like that former Governor of California of Austrian descent, I'LL BE BACK (sorry) in September with more blogs, videos and general waffle.  I'm also heading b