Skip to main content


No need to stop at motorway services or even find a tree to hide behind. Just wait till you’re surrounded by loved ones at a family Christening, lock eyes with one of them and angrily squeeze one out. Beautiful and convenient.

It’s the Friday before Christmas and your boss asks you to work late. You plaster on a fake smile, nod and say, ‘Of course, no problem at all!’ when all you really want to do is roll round on the floor, waving your limbs until your screaming face is beetroot and you’re choking on your own snotty tears.

Adults have to fret about broken boilers, council tax and Brexit. The biggest conundrum a toddler will face is whether to eat that bogey or smear it across the wall.

Ever fancied running with your eyes shut or getting your face stuck in a hole? How about diving head-first down the stairs or spreading Sudocrem on your tongue? Act in this manner and you’ll no doubt make a poor impression with the in-laws but for toddlers this is just a regular Tuesday.

For adults, milk stains on the crotch look decidedly dubious and will probably ruin that job interview. For pre-schoolers nobody gives a toss and more importantly, your peers won’t judge as they’ll be covered in their own shite too.

Imagine being shot into outer space to explore unchartered planets, communicating with advanced and unfamiliar life forms while learning exotic cultures and customs. That’s how toddlers feel when they go into a room they’ve not been before.

Imagine reading the same book fifteen times a day but LOVING EVERY SECOND. For the under-3’s, ‘Peppa Pig Goes To The Fair’ is a subtle piece of art that grows with repeated readings, not the steaming honk of shit that you consider it to be.

(I post a new parenting list to my FB page every Sunday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins and you can find more blogs on this website...)


Unknown said…
Keep in apperception as able-bodied that sometimes food or added entities will arrangement with a watchmaker to aftermath a watch with their name on the face. Haynes addendum that Tiffany Co. is an archetype in rolex replica this instance. So, if you accessible the aback the movement will accept a altered name than that on the dial.There are replica rolex aswell brands that fabricated curve beneath altered names. Rolex is a able-bodied accepted affluence watch brand. But did you know, according to replica watches Haynes, they aswell marketed curve of watches beneath added cast names like Tudor, Unicorn, Marconi, Rolco, and Genex?
hoxn123 said…
a three-year Designer handbags crackdown in China on extravagant spending, the surge in the Swiss franc, and competition handbag replica afrom newcomer Apple Inc.’s smart Replica Rolex Watches . Attracting younger clients is a key part of the strategy of the company, which is owned by SReplica Watch Group AG. Swiss Replica UK Replica watches Watch exports fell 7.2 percent in the third quarter, their biggest decline since 2009, federal customs Watches Replica data showed Tuesday,

Popular posts from this blog

The Time I Screamed at my Kids

Before my kids arrived I swore I’d never shout at them. But choosing how to approach parenthood before your kids are born is like a caterpillar deciding what kind of butterfly they’re gonna be while they’re still building the cocoon. ‘I’ll still do loads of charity work, of course. And I’ll be REALLY nice to moths too, even though they’ll probably hate me because I’ll be so bloody gorgeous.’ Theory and reality are like sugar and shit. I’ve raised my voice to my kids more times than I can count. Often just to shout ‘STOP SHOUTING!’ which I’m aware doesn’t set a great example. ‘You should NEVER shout at your kids.’ And that’s fine. In theory. Because everything’s fine in theory. The Slimfast diet is a piece of piss until day two when you’ve had three hours sleep and someone offers you a Wagon Wheel. Of course, I never WANT to shout at them. I love them more than words can describe. But those you love are also the ones blessed with the innate ability to boil your piss q

The Time I Smeared Shit on the Duvet

My wife and I developed our parenting systems through trial and error. One of the earliest rules we’d introduced was that if it was after 5am and one of the babies became unsettled, we wouldn’t waste our time trying to get them back down in their cot - we’d just bring them in with us. After a nice cuddle in our bed, they’d normally settle back down, barring the occasional impromptu fanny gouge or affable bollock kick. (Babies are the most violent sleepers on the planet, easily capable of committing GBH in the middle of reaching for their dummy.) Our twins were six months old. I was fast asleep. At least, the deepest sleep you can get once your kids arrive. My pre-kids sleep used to be the nocturnal equivalent of deep sea diving. Nowadays I’m lucky if I can submerge my toes in a puddle. Early on, my sleep was lighter than a Ryvita biscuit who’d been having it off with a helium canister they’d met on Tinder. Everything woke me up. Some nights I’d just lie there, bewi

We Have a Winner!

Ladies and gentlemen - some news! One recipient of my newsletter is now the 'lucky' (ahem) winner of an exclusive gig from me IN THEIR HOUSE! And that person is... Lyn Morter!  Well done, Lyn! (Btw, if anyone from  Ofcom  is reading, you can check the legitimacy of this result via the  Facebook Live video  I did last week.) When I informed Lyn that she'd won she simply said, 'I've never heard of you' and 'How did you get my phone number?' so I'm sure that will be a great gig for everyone. (Only joking. She was thrilled.) Thanks to all of you for entering. But what now, Sam?  I hear you screaming at your smartphones. Well, I'll be taking things a wee bit easier through August, spending some much needed time with my family after all the touring. But just like that former Governor of California of Austrian descent, I'LL BE BACK (sorry) in September with more blogs, videos and general waffle.  I'm also heading b