MONDAY
Went the museum to see the dinosaurs and it was unreal how
ancient and decrepid they looked but then Mummy explained we were still on the
bus and it was rude to stare and point at old people.
TUESDAY
Daddy got home while I was drawing and this happened:
DADDY: That’s a brilliant picture, son. Well done.
ME: Thanks, Daddy.
DADDY: What is it?
ME: Oh for fucks sake.
WEDNESDAY
Mummy told me she ‘wasn’t my slave’ whilst simultaneously
wiping the dried cack from my arse. Awful timing to make that particular point,
love.
THURSDAY
You won’t read this in a self-help book but whatever you do,
never start a fight with no pants on. Fucking nightmare. Was arguing with Mummy
but my junk was all hanging out so it totally undermined my point. Plus it was
quite nippy so with each remonstration I could feel my willie scrunching up
like a baby sloth’s nose.
FRIDAY
Was busy clubbing the fridge with a spatula when Daddy told
me off and asked how I’d like it if he did the same to one of my toys. I’m a
toddler, mate. I couldn’t give less fucks if I was the Lord Mayor of
Nofucksville.
SATURDAY
My cot is gone. In it’s place is a bed. I’m finally a big
boy and I’m not gonna lie, it feels great. To celebrate I jumped onto the mattress
to do a happy dance and went flying straight off the other side and into the
bastard wall.
SUNDAY
Fell out of bed. Daddy put me back. Fell out again. Mummy
put me back. Had a bad dream that I’d fallen out of bed. Woke up to find that
I’d fallen out of bed. And pissed myself. I miss my cot.
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